When my dog hears another dog down the street, he always looks at me like I had something to do with it.
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me: [makes a wish and blows out the candles]
guy sacrificing a goat: [massaging his temples] who invited this guy
Who called it the U.S. Dairy Council and not the Butter Business Bureau?
[bruce wayne falls into a cave inhabited by a hibernating bear & things turn out very differently]
[at divorce lawyer]
bad news, currently all your husbands assets are frozen
“he didn’t”
he bought 1547 copies of it, he must really hate you
Studies suggest you should get 8 hours of sleep each night…
…18 if you’re obnoxious.
Astronaut: I never loved you
Me: how could you say that?
Astronaut: it’s the truth
Me: no I mean like, sound doesn’t travel in a vacuum
oh shit. came home & there is a giant cat in the bed
Cyanide smells like almonds, so I keep a bottle of almond extract on me at all times to keep people on their toes.
Well, that didn’t work.
Friends with benefits? What, like you can provide dental insurance?
*to woman next to me in yoga*
how do you get the mat to stop curling back up
Executioner: Any last words
Me: No, I’m –
My boss, running full speed: WAIT WAAIIIITTTT *gasping* I need you on this conference call
Doc- it appears that you take everything way to seriously. You need to get your shit togeth… Oh no, what are you doing! No! Stop!
Me, massively hungover, listening to my coworker telling me about their weekend:
Being a mom means always wondering where that pee smell came from
If I was ever asked to be a cheerleader I’d jump at the chants.
[first day working in a restaurant]
me: *writes ‘tip jar’ on a glass*
cat: *reads sign*
me: oh no
My neighbor thinks that the coyotes are back. When should I tell her that it was just 11 running around the backyard howling at the moon for no reason?
People keep accusing me of using the wrong words in my sentences.
It’s like everyone in my life has turned into a grandma nazi.
Linda from the office calls it a shawl but I know a shitty cape when I see one.
When I die, I want them to write that I died of supernatural causes, but offer no explanation.
[8am, phone rings]
Hotel Desk: Ma’am we’re going to be turning off the water for about 2 hours this morning.
Me: No worries, I have vodka.
Interviewer: can you tell me about a time when you succeeded?
Me: (nods and looks out the window contemplatively) no
My signature move is parking closely to the sports car at the end of the lot taking up four spaces.
I’ll be throwing shade, after a quick search of Urban Dictionary.
[First day as a personal chef]
How do you take your poptart?
Me: [Hanging one-handed from a cliff, seconds away from death]
My kid: Can you hold this?
God: *creating Eve from Adam’s rib*
Adam: That’s a weird way to make people
God: Lol wait till you see how she does it
You can lead a horse to water and if he walks on it congratulations you found horse jesus.
“Men are pigs” – misandrist &/or world’s worst biologist