If you are between 8 -16 years old and not whiskey, you are annoying.
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Sticks and stones may break my bones, but alcohol makes ugly people pretty.
*checks rear view mirror for the cop car I drove past 15 minutes ago*
[My Funeral]
“He died doing what he loved… saying ‘Cars have to stop for pedestrians,’ as he stepped bravely into the crosswalk.”
Me: Excuse me sir, what’s your Wi-Fi password?
Him: *[Leans in] *[Whispers angrily]
THIS IS A FUNERALMe: *[Types in]
THIS IS A FUNERAL
Sometimes when people talk to me, I scream and beat my chest. It not only establishes dominance, but tells them to go away.
“I totally nailed that guy” – Roman soldiers
My GPS thinks we should see other drivers.
hitman: clearly you can’t afford my rates so i’m referring you over to my partner
hit or missman: i guarantee that i will either kill the target or get you sent directly to jail
I never got into House MD because it was too farfetched. A doctor who’s rude and doesn’t listen to you?
What are these silent battles people keep talking about? None of my battles were quiet. I literally screamed the entire time because that’s half the fun.
[at quick clinic]
Nurse: (sarcastically) Is it okay if I check your temperature?
Me: Come on, I can’t be the only person that’s refused to be weighed.
Welcome to your 40s.
You remember your home phone number from when you were 11 but you can’t remember why you came upstairs.
It finally happened.
After living here 11 years, my neighbors finally caught me outside and introduced themselves.
Dear neighbor who mows his yard early in the morning tomorrow,
I found my bagpipes for tonight.
My 10 yr old thinks I expect too much out of her.
I told her we could discuss it when she gets home from work.
[stewardess]
“Sir, even if you ARE, as you say, the REAL Slim Shady- the captain has asked for all passengers to remain seated at this time”
My therapist thinks meeting women on twitter for sex is a bad idea. His wife disagrees.
I want to apologize to D.C. Comics for saying that the Lex Luther becoming president story arc could never happen in real life.
I’m 35 and I’ve never been married.
At this point, if you ask me on a date, be prepared to tell me about your retirement benefits.
me: your honor, the defense rests.
judge: well they picked a pretty stupid time to take a nap i mean they’re on trial for murder.
Twitter, 2016 (HT @iShami_ )
Therapist: And how do we respond when our horrible family member says something rude?
Me: You put the Ho in holidays
Therapist: No
I can guarantee i’ll never be a criminal mastermind. Leaving about 237 strands of hair in every room I enter pretty much puts an end to that dream
Cops call their dogs K-9 because if they call K-10,
then it’s a cat.
Do you smoke after sex?
Person looks down…”I don’t know, I never checked.”
Me: how do I get one of those singing groups?
Director: you mean a choir?
Me: *exasperated sigh* yes fine, how do I acquire one of those singing groups?
My 5 year old brother said “when I’m older I won’t have a GF, I’ll live on my own like my big brother”
YEAH CAUSE THAT’S TOTALLY A CHOICE
why does saying their name 3x work for Bloody Mary and not for Brad Pitt?
COWARDLY LION: Give me courage
SCARECROW: Give me a brain
ROB THOMAS: Gimme a heart, make it real or else forget about it
TIN MAN: Oh ok Rob
I don’t know who named them safety pins, but I’ve been stabbed by them more than any other pin.