*stable*
Me: that one
Stable hand: ah careful ridin her, she used to belong to an old knight
M: ok
*Horse goes 2 steps forward & 1 left*
WTF
You Might Also Like
i don’t trust someone who says their ideal date is a “hike”
“Pick a card, any card, make sure you memorize it, now put it back with the rest”: me, with my wife at the Hallmark Store on Valentine’s Day
Shouts out to the Trump Tower suction cup guy for being the second craziest person to ascend that building.
Movie Executive: We love the script but what are we gonna call it?
Writer: *monkey in disguise* Monkey
Exec: I dont think that works
Writer: Se-seven Monkeys
Exec: The number of monkeys isn’t really the prob-
Writer: TWELVE monkeys
Exec: Now.. hold on a second.
My son said his friend’s parents took him to Disney World for getting good grades and suddenly I’m not angry about his C- in math anymore.
Pillsbury DoughBoy: I don’t ask for much in a relationship. I just want to feel kneaded
*blows perfect Jesus fish with cigarette smoke*
Me: You’ve got the same stupid duck face in every picture! Daffy: Erm… 😐
Are people who say “hard pass” aware of fiber supplements?
My boss: “Sean, what do you know about Twitter?” Me: “nothing. Why? What have you heard?”
I have a kidney to donate. It’s not mine, so I don’t know much about it.
there there son
*crouches down & wipes his tears*
its ok, dont go crying over spilt mil– YOU GOT IT ON THE XBOX!? no NO. call 911. CALL 911
Him: When will she be coming around the mountain?
Me: When she comes
Him: I know but when
Me: When she comes dude
Him: That’s not a time
Me: I’m going off of the information I have
Him: Do you know the horses she has?
Me: Yes six white horses
Him: See how do you know that
Me: *leaves body to science*
Science: *starts crying*
[doctor presses play]
couple: maybe a different donor
Was gonna go to the gym but then I checked Twitter. In 2009
Eating a takeout salad alone in your car can feel depressing, but not if you fully commit to the backstory that you’re a detective on a stakeout.
Neanderthal: *flirting* you know what they say, once you go Neanderthal you never go back at all
Scientist: why do they say that?
Neanderthal: because I smashed your time machine
My daughter asked me why my grandfather was a racist, and if she has to become one too
I said it was because his parents didn’t raise him properly, and he was ignorant and full of hate
As she walked away crying I realized she was asking me how he became a race car driver
Of course you can trust me with your secret.
*Calls local news team
Brit 1:
“They’ve… just stepped away from their desk for a minute, can I take a message?”Translation: They’re staring straight at me.
Brit 2:
“Yes, when they get back can you let them know I’ve called?”Translation: I know they’re still at their desk.
I’m like Jason Bourne, only I’m not looking for exits in each room.. I’m looking for outlets & phone chargers.
If I had a dollar for anytime a man said he was in love with me I would definitely be homeless
Valentine’s Day is a stupid and made up holiday unless someone wants to give me a present in which case I really believe in celebrating it
i bring a card table with me where I go for thanksgiving in case the host’s furniture is too heavy to flip
damn boy, are you Comic Sans? because I cannot take you seriously
If you ever really want someone to call back, leave them a message saying, “I’ve got tickets to…” and hang up
Them: “when are you back?” You: “next week.” (Week passes) You: “I’m back, let’s hang.” Them: “how long are you here?”