Made my daughter dinner last night and she told me it was really good as long as she took tiny bites and used lots of ketchup
You Might Also Like
I have nothing in common with people that say, “I wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemy.”
Just tried to parallel park. 5 people are injured, 3 critical, 6 missing. The casualties continue to mount
Pretty disrespectful of Jesus to rise during Passover when his body was made of bread.
The DaVinci Code but it’s just me trying to unlock the secret to why there are so many crumbs in my toddler’s bed
*gets out of bed*
*steps on something*
me: Ugh
*turns light on*
wife: What is it?
me: The cat caught another smart car
BREAKING NEWS: Local prosthetics store hit by unarmed robbers.
Friday, Friday, all gonna die next Friday. Everybody’s gettin’ ready for the world’s end. Gotta make My mind up: Which souls should I take?
Clue is a wonderful game that teaches children about murder.
Push me aside, but I will come back. Hide me, but I will always emerge.
I AM POWER.
I AM RESILIENCE.
I AM A BRA STRAP.
The janitor squints at the unfinished equation, picks up the chalk and scrawls methodically. Soon all the eights have top-hats like snowmen.
I like to keep a “wet paint” sign on my office door, so that no one wants to touch the door to come in.
When your mom is combing your hair for school picture day and she tells you what a handsome boy you are.
if cat not enjoy being held… why baby sized?
When my doctor diagnosed me with squid magnet syndrome I had a lot of questi… [a squid hits me in the face at 900mph killing me instantly]
The guy at the gym said rest days are really important, so I’ve been resting for 6 years.
Every great and accomplished chef had to start somewhere.
ppl have to stop making plans with me in advance because the me who agreed to the plans 3 days ago is NOT the same person as the me 30 minutes before the plans are supposed to take place
i have one speed and it’s mosey
I totally just realized that Dora the Explorer and Vlad the Impaler have the same middle name
If you lean back in a chair and put your feet up on the desk, everything you say will be beaming with confidence and bravado especially if it’s not your office.
I was so devastated by my divorce that I barely finished the eleventh grade…
Pastor: pray for your enemies.
Me: Dear god, please kill all of my enemies.
Pastor: no! Not like that!
Me: too late. I already said amen.
I don’t draw my eyebrows on because I can’t commit to one facial expression. What if I see a puppy? What if my house burns down?
My kid: Ohana means family and family means no body gets left behind
Me: I don’t care what ohana means, you have 5 seconds to get your shoes on or we’re leaving without you
Employee: You know what’s neat?
Me: Whiskey in a glass without ice?
You can always count on me to bring my famous recipe of “bag of ice” to your summer cookout.
Sadly learned my family is racist. I started dating a black girl. Brought her home to meet the family. Wife and kids wouldn’t talk to her.
I like to switch browsers as often as possible. They all prompt to make them the default browser. It feels nice to be fought over.
*having an ultrasound*
dr: baby is looking healt…hang on..
patient: omg what!?
dr: there appears to be an intruder in your womb.
patient: intruder?
dr: *yelling at stomach* TURN AROUND HE’S BEHIND YOU
nurse: umm i think she is having twins?
dr: *exhaling* oh thank god.