After my virtual doctors appointment I had a nap so good that I forgot I was in Vegas, woke up, and scared the shit outta myself.
You Might Also Like
Soooo….. This what yall be doing huh🤣 🤣
wife: i wish you’d moan during sex
[later, whilst doing the sex]
me: i wish i was eating a grilled cheese
Apparently “I had a lovely chat with the tomatoes while weeding the garden yesterday” doesn’t count when your therapist asks you about your social interactions since the last session.
Sad? Confused? There’s a nap for that.
I’m not saying I’m not physically fit, I’m just saying I went to yoga once and they had to call the paramedics.
don’t do it sharon, it’s a trap
For sale: baby shoes. tried to wear them. didn’t realise they were for a baby.
[road trip]
Me: one more word out of you and I’ll turn this car right around!
Kid: but
Me: that’s it, BACK TO DISNEYLAND
Why is being alive so expensive? I’m not even having a good time.
Fair play to the crow who visits the roof outside my window first thing each morning, and whose cawing has the exact pitch and rhythm as the reversing alert on the recycling lorry, sending me into a blind panic that I’ve forgotten to put the bins out.
For sale: chocolate aeroplane, mint condition.
Me, yelling over the panic: IT’S OK EVERYONE I LISTENED INTENTLY TO THE SAFETY BRIEFING THE EXITS ARE OVER HERE
*audible sigh of relief from all the passengers as the plane is going down*
cop: “you’re drunk, get out of the car.”
judas: “bbut I’ve bbeen on tthe water all night.”
–
[jesus whistles innocently]
“Honey, can you come here?”
“What is it?”
“There’s something in the tub.”
“Spider?”
“I don’t think so.”
“Just squish it.”
“Can you please do it?”
“Stop being such a baby.”
Don’t make me mad or so help me, I will become the 70th like on all of your future tweets.
I bought and named a star after you.
If you look to the west on a clear night you will see Sociopath.
I’m not an introvert; I’m just a very inept extrovert.
I need a Waze app, but for my walks. Instead of “vehicle on shoulder ahead” it says “person on trail ahead” so I can detour to avoid any human interaction.
*me flirting
Satanic ritual canceled. The goats keeps eating the sacred parchment paper.
ME: Is it true you can smell diseases?
MY DOG: Yes
ME: Well do I have any?
MY DOG: Yes, you’re insane
ME: Wow you can smell that?
MY DOG: No
“An eye for an eye?”
– a cannibal at a swap meet
When I die I want to come back as a speed bump so I can piss people off
started wrapping my pills in cheese
Ramadan month is exhausting. You have to wait all day to Instagram your food.
I just want what every middle-aged person wants: to remember what it was that I wanted
My longest relationship has been with my Hotmail account.
Oh you’re single? Awesome, we should probably let your wife know.
[inventing the turtle] put the worst dinosaur in an army helmet
*steps out of the time machine* Me: what year is this?
Wife: Stop playing with the washing machine.