[feeding the cat]
Me: Here’s your food, Buddy.
Cat: Buddy is the dog’s name.
Me: Gosh, you’re right. Sorry.
Cat: I’m really hurt.
Me:
Cat: JK, I never listen to a fricken thing you say anyway.
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3yo wipes off the air kisses that I blow to her from across the room, which is some next level shade.
[operating room]
NEUROSURGEON: and now is the most delicate part of the surgery, where we remove the fluid that has built up in his brain…
NURSE: *nods to assistant* he’s ready for the rice now
Me: There are plenty of ways to skin a cat
Cat (pulls out switchblade): Oh, you wanna dance, tweet boy? C’mon – bring it!
Mom’s coming over for dinner. She just LOVES my lasagna. So I made a taco salad.
Me: We have communication issues, trust issues and she’s passive aggressive
*Therapist slowly turns to the other chair and looks at the GPS*
Dandelions are just like regular lions, except they wear ascots.
A car with a car rack looked like a police car, so I slowed down, only to realize I had been tricked into obeying the law FOR NO REASON.
Woah woah woah… You can’t be a loan shark right away! You have to start at the bottom. You’ll be a loan sea cucumber.
When serial killers can’t afford to travel, they take slaycations
The Struggle
Avacado is butter mascarading as a vegetable.
Somebody had to say it.
Mosquito *bites a vampire*:
Holy shit, this guy’s a whole buffet!
ramses: *checking phone* wtf is a dense frog warning
moses: 🙂
ramses: oh you son of a-
Hello My Friends…
Travel this week will keep me busy. So, No I’m not ignoring you while I dance with cats. Patience please.
Thank God I wasn’t on twitter when I was in college. It would’ve taken me 65 years to get my degree.
You two just need to get out more.
– Me, giving Abe Lincoln relationship advice
It’s ok Apple users, I just woke up and found a surprise Nickelback album on my BlackBerry.
i like to try new things in the bedroom like getting a full 8 hours of sleep.
Good Will Hunting (2018): Dystopian movie about a near future in which everyone with an ounce of good will is mercilessly hunted and killed.
If someone brought me coffee right now I would follow them around like an imprinted baby bird forever.
I just don’t understand how moats ever went out of style.
Dexter is my favorite show about how hard is it not to stab dumb idiots.
me: if there are any spirits here, pleasant yourself to us
ghost: bro did you just say pleasant instead of present?
me: oh no
2nd ghost: lmao this idiot said pleasant
3rd ghost: pleasant
4th ghost: pleasant
5th ghost: pleasant
I wonder if dogs get embarrassed when they have to stand that way and shit in front of everybody. I know I do.
Robocop seems pretty cocky for a guy that can’t swim.
Sorry I missed your call
I was in the 17th minute of watching my daughter help her sloth toy crawl across the room to hug me
Impress them on your first date by showing up in a shirt with their face on it.
Nice try, evening news, but there’s nothing as scary as the three times I woke up accidentally pregnant
Can’t believe it’s December again, 2023 seems like yesterday.
Wait for it