The Cranberries. Great band name. You pick a fruit and you get to work.
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[dentists]
technician: you want a local anaesthetic?
me, a hipster: how local are we talking?
“Impeccable” sounds like a general immunity to crow attacks…
How do I get a job as the non-research half of a murder podcast that just contributes the occasional well-timed “wait, what?”
[15mins into yard work]
my body: yeah… no.
3rd eye: youre on drugs
4th eye: youre a nerd
5th-7th eyes: ???
8th eye: you are now a spider
9th eye: spider on drugs
16th eye: nerd spider
The scene from Shawshank Redemption where Andy’s free & kneeling in the rain, except it’s me after any conversation with my mom finally ends
How did my operation go Doc?
Dr ;
What?
Dr ;
Omg I’ve only got half a colon?
my 3yo found a whistle and is refusing to give it to me so do I just throw the whole kid out or nah?
*puts down window
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Yes
*puts up window and drives away
i did not spend hours helping you clean your house just to be yelled at for hiding dishes in the oven
me: [teary eyed] if anything ever happened to you i would kill myself
her: ur kinda weird for a surgeon
i don’t give a shit what you losers think i’m clapping when the plane lands
911: what room is the body in
me: I wanna say living room… but that feels weird
The only thing more satisfying than doing big yard projects yourself is paying someone to do it while you occasionally watch out the window.
Me: Yeah like that, baby.
Him: *caresses my back, plays with my hair*
Me: *moans*
Him: *growls* I’m gonna do so many–
Me: *snores, drools*
Nothing says “Proper Retirement Planning” like a garbage can full of losing lottery tickets
*on a first date*
Her: so nice to finally be out with someone normal
Me: aw thanks
*turns to the waiter*
Me: do you have pony meat
DOG 911: what’s your emergency?
DOG: *whispering* they put me in a stroller
DOG 911: *covers phone* WE’VE GOT A CODE SLIGHTLY DARKER GREY
ME [as a kid]: someday, I can go buy beer legally
ME [now]: i just wanna buy marshmallows
When they told you to ‘seek attention’, they meant ‘medical’, not ‘internet’, psychopath.
My 42 yr old friend is dating a 24 yo guy, she caught him cheating so she took away his play station for a week
Cashier: Need to see some ID
Me: You get a lot of 20yo guys buying tampons, diapers, grapes & whiskey?
Cashier: Yup
Me: Ok, here you go then
Word of the day:
Polymer – Noun – A mermaid with three boyfriends.
ME: I’m so nervous. It’s my first day on the job. I definitely fibbed on my qualifications to get this job. Hope I can figure it out before I mess up.
CO-PILOT: …What?
PRIEST: The couple has chosen to write their own vowels
HER: Shouldn’t it be –
HIM: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
“For a really awkward time, call me.”
-me, leaving my number on bathroom stalls.
X: I hate when the cat just stands like that, frozen. Why does he do that?
Me: He’s on paws.
X: …
Me: 😁 On… paws.
X: I hate you so much.
I just took an IQ test and apparently I’m a Libra?
me: can I get a hug?
bartender: *checking cocktail list*
It’s cute how I ordered 2 drinks and the bartender asked if I wanted to wait for the other person to be seated