rroses are red,
violets are blue,
Valentine’s Day was invented by big corporations so they could sell more anti-depressants
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I think I’m about six months away from the perfect ‘before’ picture.
restaurant hosts will be like “let’s sit them at table 26Bq105” and then a server will just be like “ok follow me”
*waits until you fall asleep*
*tests out his new retractable air horn*
I have never cried at the movies as much as I did after Les Misérables when my wife said I couldn’t have fried chicken for the drive home.
guy at bar: if u have a problem say it to my face
me: [leaning close] my boss called me lazy
If you call all the priests “daddy” you don’t have to go back to church.
Look lady, you’ve already taken my money so put that Oompa Loompa costume on and let’s do this.
Doctor: Are you eating a balanced diet?
Me: *thinking about that one time last year I ordered coleslaw as my KFC side*
Me: yes.
Concierge: I’m afraid we’re all booked up this evening
Me: Maybe this will change your mind *slides bill across desk*
Concierge: Sir…
Me: If you want the rest of your duck you’ll find us a table
If Hugh Hefner ran a company wearing pajamas so can you.
[Waffle House interview]
Manager:“How good are you at avoiding flying chairs?”
Her:“I’m basically a Jedi.”
Manager:“When can you start?”
Breakup? I’m sorry no.
You’re not finished being in love with me yet.
my sister took her 4 yr old to adopt a pet kitten and she immediately ran to the black one, picked it up and held it to her face as she said, “i’m a witch now, i can’t wait until school tomorrow.”
i’m afraid for whoever crossed her at preschool
I have eaten 10 relaxation candles and I don’t feel relaxed???
If the person responsible for taking all the teaspoons in the house could return them to the drawer by lunchtime, nothing more will be said about it.
Daughter: Daddy, I want to reach out and touch a star
Me: Yeah, well, that would incinerate the both of us instantly so I don’t think so
apartment hunting is so sick. landlords are like hey we need you to hand-submit an application to our friend gary. he lives in a treacherous swamp. he will run a credit check and ask for a lock of your hair. 1st months rent is due on move in. please mail a money order to florida
Keep a few cat turds in your pockets, just in case a cop searches you. He will get cat poop on his hands, and you can laugh. It’s all legal.
“HOW” – dyslexic owl
i haven’t seen a squirrel outside lately and now all of the sudden taco bell selling wings.. something ain’t right
“I get knocked down, but I get up again
You’re never gonna keep me down”~Bowling pins
[picks up hitchhiker]
“Hope ur not a mass murderer. Haha”Actually I am.
“WHAT”
APRIL FOOLS!
“Whew”
I’m technically a serial killer.
therapists do NOT have all the answers. like sometimes a client will be telling me something really difficult and be like “what do I do????” and in my head I’m like oh man, i don’t know……you should really see a therapist about that
Her: undress me with your words
Me: ummm… There’s a spider in your panties?
when i was a kid we didn’t play house. we played courtroom. and let me tell you, i sent my fair share of teddy bears to the electric chair
An app that detects itself running on other people’s phones, then both devices play Random Encounter music. What happens next is up to you.
Them: You should try keto
Me:
I believe this to be the best photograph of a dog ever taken in human history.
Never feel more attractive than when my picture of cornbread gets almost as many likes as my selfie. “She’s ok, but she’s no cornbread.”
I dated a computer hacker last year. He made me promise that I wouldn’t share this information because he said that hackers don’t want people to know this… but if you turn the brightness on your monitor down & browse the internet, then you are technically surfing the dark web.