My debate style is more like Teddy Roosevelt. I carry a big stick in one hand, a sword in the other, and wait for you to agree.
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Interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
Me: ugh yeah the spacing wouldn’t format properly
Interviewer: OMG I hate that
Batman-
See, kids?
Even one extremely wealthy white male can make a difference.
Sorry I was gone for 3 years. I went on you-tube to watch to just one video.
If stranded in a lifeboat in the middle of the sea, rub 2 FB accounts together to generate enough thoughts & prayers to lift you to safety.
Everyone’s all up in arms about how undemocratic the electoral college is and yet we let our weather be decided by A SINGLE UNELECTED GROUNDHOG??!!?!?
cop: *knocks on my car window*
me: sorry is the music too loud
cop: yes
me: *sets down bagpipes*
Told my husband the best way to get help at Home Depot is to wear yoga pants, but I dunno. It doesn’t seem to work as well for him.
My sister told me a guy dressed as Michael Myers for a 3k today. Slow walked the entire time and finished dead last.
There are few things I respect more than full commitment to the bit.
Netflix: are you still watching
Alexa: yeah he’s here
Me: 😳
Good morning, Twitter 😊
Nothing worse than taking a run and then having to take a shit when your a mile & a half away from ur bathroom. I almost shitted in a bush
10 y/o daughter says she wants a job like mine someday because I’m “important but not that important” and my life story finally has a title.
FRIEND: OMG I’m so glad to get away from my kids for a bit
ME: haha yeah I don’t think I’ll ever have kids
FRIEND: no it’s the best
Because of aquariums I thought I loved marine biology but it turns out I just really like the idea of fish prison.
If you run out of Christmas wrapping paper remember you can just write Jesus on the Happy Birthday.
You can’t scare me. You’re not my husband holding my credit card over the shredder.
I never had to swim for my life in a shark attack but once I had to doggy-paddle really fast to get out of a pool when it was dessert time.
Seeing someone’s false eye lash fall off is awkward. I never know if I should catch it or kill it.
Wife: You were right.
Me: Say it again.
Wife: You were right.
Me: Again.
Wife: You were right.
Me: One more time.
Wife: You wer-*wakes up*
“There’s a sleeping person. Let’s go ask it questions.” – Children
I saw a commercial on Animal Planet where animals were talking & that’s all well & good but they totally got the giraffe’s accent wrong.
They say ‘No news is good news,’ but I think it just means I have a lazy paperboy.
Espresso Patronum!
– Me warding off morning people
Sliding into her DMs like: ‘Hi’ or ‘Hey’.
-Unoriginal
-No
-Has that literally ever worked?Sliding into her DMs like: ‘It’s all gravy, baby.’
-Suave
-Well that’s new
-Implies you might have gravy. Ladies love gravy.
the #horror is real!
Mozzarella sticks in the streets, mozzarella sticks in the sheets.
There’s never a bad time for mozzarella sticks.
I’ve been to Iraq twice and Afghanistan once. Still not as scary as my ex’s number popping up on my phone this morning.
Is it just me or does everything cost like we’re shopping in an airport now?
The most realistic thing about Stranger Things is how much time kids in the 80s spent without parental supervision.