“It looks like you’re in the middle of a workout.”
– My passive-aggressive Apple Watch as I walk across a parking lot to my car
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Never once has a guy said, “She’s cute but I wish her eyelashes would be so big they’d weigh down her eyelids”
One surefire way to get people to stop self-deprecating is to agree with them.
Wait you misunderstood. When I called you “doll face,” I was referring to Chucky.
I have a splitting headache today.
Voldemort must be back from the dead and attempting to kill me.
“This won’t end well, mark my words.
Mark, my words.
MARK.
MY WORDS! I NEED MY WORDS, MARK!!!”*Mark sweatily fumbles with the script*
Leaf blowers can make yard work so efficient, when you just use them to blow everything onto the neighbour’s lot.
Time to go to the liquor store, I’m almost out of holiday spirit
you’re legally allowed to steal anything from the doctor’s office if they leave you alone in the room for a minute
How many calories does an ice cream headache burn?
So. I didn’t win the lottery again. If this run of bad luck continues much longer, I may have to consider actually buying a ticket one day.
Let us pray for my Facebook friend who not only has a headache, but her bus is running a bit late too.
Husband has a fancy satellite alarm that does all kinds of things by itself but today it keeps beeping every hour despite my attempts to make it stop so I’m about to find out if it’s waterproof
Every time a man pisses me off, I pretend we are in a video game & this is simply a tiny side quest in which I am to be taught how to remain a woman who doesn’t do crimes. And 35 years in, it has mostly worked.
I think my wife has been messing with me, my present this year was two socks that had been missing from the laundry.
I’m less popular then mushrooms, because I’m not a fungi
Just started a new exercise program where I put on a gorilla mask and chase a random toddler through Costco.
The Art Institute has many world-famous masterpieces but more importantly it has this little freak
I have come up with the most awkward event of all time: the Father-Son wedding dance.
[first date]
HER: I really like a man who notices things.
ME: [trying to impress] Your eyebrows make you look like an Angry Bird.
The child: (hearing someone get mad) you say that word sometimes, Mommy.
Me: What word?
The child: Funking.
Me: No, honey, I don’t ever say funking.
My 3yo came home saying he learned how to sit “criss cross pizza sauce” and I just want to know when they changed it from “applesauce”.
wife: you’re listening to too much theatrical heavy metal
Me: behold! The weaver of lies! A dark seamstress of shadows lurks amongst us
When I see a girl with a lot of makeup, I just wanna to use my finger & write `”WASH ME”` on her face.
Being Tall:
Pros:
Can reach high things, feel like an Amazonian warrior.Cons:
“Wow, you’re tall!”
“Yes.”
*repeat for infinity*
When my 2 y.o. throws a temper tantrum, I suddenly don’t feel so bad about leaving her with massive national debt & a destroyed environment.
RELATIVE: You know about computers, right?
ME (has a degree in computer science): No
I’m working from home. But as a bartender.
[tv interview]
did you get upset?
“that *beep* lied to me, she can go *beep* herself”
don’t do that. just curse and we will add the beeps
Me: Ahhhh. Just breathe in that salt air. Isn’t this nice?
Wife and kids: *choking in a salt mine* This vacation sucks!
Chinese takeaway – £17
Delivery charge – £1
Realising the idiots have forgot one of your containers – Riceless