The man who invented Velcro died. RIP.
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I keep my eyes in great shape by rolling them constantly.
I have a black cat called Blackie and a fish called Fishface, so I get it guy who named the Walkie talkie.
I just want to be rich enough to stop giving people toilet paper for Christmas
SEA LION 1: “More like shark *weak* amirite?”
SEA LION 2: “Hahaha”
SHARK: “Hey guys, what ya watching?”
[Sea lions jump onto ceiling fan]
me: you ever get so sad you want to build a doomsday device and just destroy the planet so you won’t be sad anymore and neither will anyone else?
court-appointed therapist: again, no and that’s exactly why you’re here
Fun Fact:
If you flick your wife’s nipple really hard while she’s sleeping, it’s extremely funny … for about 3 seconds.
The hairdresser asking me what special plans I have for the day like this wasn’t it
If I get hurt playing Wii Sports, that’s still a sports injury, right?
i hate when someone rings my doorbell because then i have to drop whatever i’m doing to be silent and pretend i’m not home.
People think I’m kissing an imaginary girl when I play air tuba.
I saw a tweet that said they wanted their first child to be a mail and all I did was respond, ‘Keep us posted’ and got blocked
To combat the sibling rivalry that’s been occurring at home, we’ve been spending more time outdoors. So essentially they’re just taking it outside.
*reading* 160 calories *thinking* Let me break it down to see how much I should eat. *reading and thinking* The can is 14.2 ounces, the serving size is 245 grams and the servings per container are about 3.
And we wonder why America is getting fat.
MATH
[my first day hosting shopping channel]
“for those of you who love coconut, boy do we have a product for you”
[holds up a coconut]
I still haven’t used my new mace, this apocalypse is bullshit!
Eating frosting with my hand. Just kidding I don’t know whose hand this is
No, I don’t need a bag; I’m gonna juggle this 12 pack, this bag of ice and this whole roasted chicken on my unicycle while whistling Dixie.
My dog is always using my legs as a pillow, but the one time I lay down on him he acts like I should get out of his kennel.
Elephant 911: What’s ur em-
Elephant: MOUSE
Elephant 911: WHERE
Elephant: FLOOR
Elephant 911: JUMP ON THE TABLE
[table breaking noises]
Don’t bother using those white packets of seasoning inside new shoes, they taste terrible.
I just now realized the guy at the urinal that complemented my watch might not have actually just been looking at my watch.
My dad had a weird sense of humor. When I was 5, I tried to “dig a hole to China.” The next day when I went back to dig more, there were egg rolls in the hole
The road to hell is paved with good intentions
Note to self…avoid good intentions at all costs.
Me: *Asks question on snapchat*
Them: *Answers question on snapchat*
Me: “Wait, what did I ask again?”
[adds another nod to the conversation]
Me: can I ask a rhetorical question?
Her: sure
Me: well apparently not
Setting a teachers salary based on student performance is akin to paying a zookeeper based on how well the monkeys are behaving.
When you have to marry your mother-in-law
just went to my first ever LA kids birthday party and two of them were named Monserrat and Wolf
Jokes on them. I took 10.