Keep your friends close and your m&ms closer.
Or something like that.
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Good grief, did you see that, Hans? A time traveller just appeared, shot Adolf and left again. I mean I know his paintings are shit but WTF
FRIEND: Do you like 7-11 Slurpees?
ME: Nah, just one at a time
waiter: say when
dracula: ven
other waiter: haha say it again
I love the smell of relapse in the morning
Oh no, I accidentally drove over my neighbor’s creepy garden gnome 12 times.
My 5yo, asserting his independence on the last day of school by coming downstairs dressed in fleece pants on a 90 degree day. I’m sweating just looking at him.
“We want to take our engagement photos here at the library.”
“That’s fun. Are there parts of the library that are especially meaningful to you?”
“Not really, we never use the library.”
“Then why take your pictures here?”
“We want people to think we’re people who use the library.”
Forget my browser history, when I finally pass from this earth, please delete my calculator history because it’s waaaay more embarrassing
Kinda bullshit that alcohol isn’t considered a work expense, but ok
Life is a constant balancing act between wondering why you weren’t invited to something and wondering how to get out of it.
Mandatory urine test tomorrow means asparagus for dinner tonight.
Two can play.
The older you get the only functions you attend are bodily..
Remember when we used to eat cake after someone blew all over it?
Good times.
Scarface: SAY HELLO TO MY LITTLE FREN
me: hi
Danny Devito: well hello there
WHY IS A GROUP OF SQUIDS NOT A SQUAD
Sweaters don’t sweat.
Jumpers don’t jump.
And knickers don’t knick.
-Just a few of the reasons that keep me up at night
I hate it when I have to go pee at someone else’s house but there’s no toilet paper, so I’m forced to use the hand towel hanging so festively above the sink.
My first crush was a cartoon lion and I often wonder how he’s doing today
Your mother and I want you to know that we love you very much, so that’s why we’re getting a divorce and marrying you instead.
don’t look at the title of Kill Bill before you watch because it’s a bit of a spoiler
as a millennial dad I’ve never not been Too Online so I know the best combination of buzzwords to maximize being annoying to my tween; she got a meatball sub for lunch and I said “oh she in her marinara era for real” and the eye roll could have powered our house for a year
In Flo-Rida’s song “Low” he states that Shawty is wearing the apple bottom jeans, the boots with the fur AND the Reeboks with the straps, what is she some kind of four legged morph woman? In all honesty I’m not surprised the whole club is looking at her
SON: Daddy, what’s the point of this?
ME: I’m not sure there is one, son, our existence and actions are ultimately futile and meaningless
SON: No, I meant this
ME: Oh that’s a can opener
[street]
ME: “What if I park here?”
PARKING OFFICER: *writing a ticket* “Fine by me”
I like my women like I like my woods: haunted & can kill me at any moment.
Them: “Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned”
Me: Hell hath no fury like a woman hungry and a man that won’t decide where to eat
if men were attracted to weird digestive gurgle noises I’d be having a whole nother kind of sex life
every time i take my teen to a flea market she buys a weapon, so i now know which room i’ll be running to in a home invasion
My kid just put me in time out and I was just like oh no, I better think real hard about what I’ve done and take a nap
I realize climate change may be a problem but it doesn’t have retail employees I can record myself yelling at so what do you want from me