I’m going to start an emo group called System of a Frown.
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It’s not easy sitting around all day doing nothing. It’s hard to know whether or not you’re done.
[train]
MAN EATING NUTS: “Want one?” [offers bag]
MAN IN TRENCHCOAT: “May I have… seven?”
[coat rustles excitedly]
making baked potatoes in the oven is fun because they’re either ready in 30 minutes or 147hrs
This guy at work always looks down my blouse. So im going to put a piece of popcorn in there to see if he points it out.
*hits joint*
ahhh yes this is more like it, now I have no idea what’s going on.
if you can’t handle me at my worst is there another preferably more affordable therapist you can refer me to
From the 3 wise men story we learn that wisdom doesn’t always translate into mad gift giving skills
I dated a guy in a band for two months before I realised he was just a sexy mop.
one time I was standing on the train platform with my airpods in and a guy taps me so I take one out and he goes “I just wanted to let you know i’m not trying to k*ll myself, I’m just jumping down to grab my hat” and jumped onto the tracks
having twitter is just like reading the newspaper except the newspaper is on fire and all the writers hate you
(First Day as an Interior Decorator)
ME: I’m not sure this giant cross is right for this space.
PRIEST: Again, this is a church.
A married couple with no kids just asked my wife and I to go out for drinks at 9:30 tonight.
They did it with a straight face too.
When your pet is staring at you, it’s probably thinking “I wonder how long those things live.”
Wife: do not eat a bunch of deviled eggs. We got a 3 hour car ride home.
Me: eh it’ll be fine by then they don’t really bother me.
My guts 2 hrs into said car ride: you’re not gonna believe this…
“OH MY GOD YOU’RE A DOG HEY SMELL ME I’M A DOG TOO” – dogs
Me: I need a minute to play with myself to get hard
Wife: *smirking* ok
Me: *pulls out my game boy*
Most people don’t know this, but a canine that practices medicine is called a Dogter.
[love making]
Her: [leans in] “do that thing you know I like.”
[i cease to exist]
Her: “yeah baby.”
me: spell “Fanshaw”
British person:
“There’s nothing wrong with being single.”
No.
“I’ve got plenty of time.”
Sure.
“I’m not lonely.”
Sir, are you going to buy anything?
Barista: “Welcome to Starbucks!”
Me: “Large coffee please.”
B: “It’s venti!”
Me: “Then close all the windows after you get my large coffee.”
*tries to lasso the remote control with my Fitbit tied to a shoestring*
ANIMAL CROSSING: you pull out a fish you caught two minutes ago and everyone in town applauds you.
STARDEW VALLEY: you spend 19 days growing a carrot and give it to a woman who disdainfully says, “I don’t want this” yet still takes your carrot. The carrot costs 2,000 dollars.
One time I ate a quarter and pooped out a gumball.
I dream of writing a fat woman’s cookbook. I’ll call it, “50 Shades of Gravy.”
New COVID variant tries to sell you an extended auto warranty.
They should just put something in the water so we all sleep for 14 days.
It would be way faster and I could use a two week nap. I swear to god I should just be in charge of everything.
If you don’t win at least 3 made up arguments in the shower, are you even clean?
[I time travel and bring back Shakespeare]
SHAKESPEARE: What’s this?
ME: That’s a meme
SHAKESPEARE: What the hell is wrong with you people
*on the phone*
Me: I’d like to order a 12″ cheese steak.
Him: Sure. That’ll be $13.39.
M: How long will it be?
H: Uhh, a foot?
M: …