Reasons my 3 y/o cried last week:
-I filled up his water bottle to high
-My wife took a shower
-Our dog walked out of the room
-His brother went down for his nap
-I didn’t sit on the couch in the exact spot he wanted me too.
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My kid keeps talking about his preschool “road trip” and I’m not sure a visit to an apple orchard has ever been described in that way
Never in my wildest dreams have I imagined myself entering a bank, wearing a mask, and asking for money.
Someone asked me to go for a walk and all I can think of is why does my dog get so excited when I ask him if he wants to go for walk?
Ice skating is like walking in cursive
I have come up with the most awkward event of all time: the Father-Son wedding dance.
Like on Amazon or in our house?
[My response when my wife asks me if I can find something for her]
An hourglass timer, but it’s just my 7yo slowly pouring sand from his shoe when we’re running late.
Twitter handles are like bands from the 90s. I don’t really remember anything they wrote, but when I see their name, I have a vague sense of whether I hate them or not.
*Googles: How to fake your own death and erase existence before 9am monday morning.
Me: have i eaten refried beans right out of the can? yes. did i commit light treason in the 80s using my american express traveler’s checks? maybe. do i try to steal one thing every time i go to the grocery store? absolutely
judge: juror number four, you’re excused
-You were standing in the lobby of The Astor Hotel wearing a blue sweater. It was April 9th. Your first words were, “It’s you.” You had a stain on your left pocket.
-Amanda, where did you park your car just now?
-No clue.
Pilot: There’s a loose…
Engineer: Tape.
P: And some rivets hav…
E: Tape.
P: Also signs of metal fatigu…
E: Tape.
P: And a panel is missi…
E: Tape.
P: Hydraulic failu…
E: Tape.
P: Th…
E: Tape.
P:
E: Tape.
Apparently you can’t complain to the restaurant staff about the loud kids when they are yours.
I sent my wife a copy of a menu from a really fancy restaurant ahead of time….
….she’ll be so surprised when we pull up at this Applebee’s.
The dog ate my kid’s snack and now he’s saying “get it back” like I’m Hermione Granger or something
ROOF GUY: That’ll be $15,000
ME: I thought you said it was on the house
He jumped out of the airplane wearing nothing but the hand knitted parachute that his Nanna made especially for him.
According to a Doritos bag size I’m a “Family.”
if potheads are lazy then why did I just go to my car to get a lighter?
[cops showing wife my body]
“Why is he 50m from where he got shot?”
“Our best guess was he tried crawling home to clear his browser history”
If you read the instructions carefully, the first step to making any microwavable lunch is to throw away the box and dig it out of the trash
I’ve been attacked by a +2 Petite Pike of Pernicious Pokiness, but otherwise my dentist is very nice.
I will not buy ornamental gourds this year!
I WILL NOT BUY GOURDS!*buys all the gourds (and a hay bale)
My son’s girlfriend always peels out of the driveway like a car chase from the Rockford Files.
I admire her spirit, but I have to live with my neighbors.
“astrology isn’t real” bro we’re on a spinning rock and we have to pay for water. nothing is “real”.
I’m boring. I just trick people into thinking I’m interesting by always being angry.
[The Beatles writing Here Comes The Sun]
Paul: so what should come after here comes the sun?
[Ringo screams from bathroom]: Doo Doo, Doo Doo
[creation of kangaroo]
God: give that bouncy dog a fanny pack
Angel: *hands bouncy dog a fanny pack*
God: no no like build it into its stomach hahaha
Angel: again with this shit
These life hack videos are getting out of control like no I don’t want to make a life jacket out of an old peanut butter sandwich