When I call you Hun, it’s short for Atilla.
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“would u like some dessert?” i ask the moose head above the fireplace
“no thanks im stuffed” i reply, in a slightly deeper voice
I bet the first person to see leaves grow back on trees after winter was like “well that’s a releaf”
MURDER HORNET: 2020 is my year
BRAIN-EATING AMOEBA: hold my contaminated tap water
H: I feel like you are ignoring me
M: trust your feelings
Laying a trap for my boyfriend by asking him if he thinks I look too skinny
Threw my garbage in the dumpster noticed I didn’t have my wallet. After looking everywhere, I fished out the garbage bag with an ice scraper. Found my wallet in the garbage but my keys fell in. After considerable more effort I have my keys. And I’ve only been outside 20 mins!
I hate it when I take a picture of myself and see 20 years of bad eating habits and no exercise
Friend: I love FB but it’s gettin a lil boring.
Me: Well that’s cause all the cool peeps are on Twi- ..uh are all dead. Yeah they all died.
everyone’s following their dreams while I’m over here happily following a food truck
Nine: There’s safety in numbers
Seven: *ties napkin around his neck*
Halloween ’94: Mom says store sold out of Batman costumes and buys me a Catwoman one. Called me Catman. The worst part: she went as Batman?
BUILDING INSPECTOR: what’s this called
DARTH VADER: the death—
[inspector’s eyes look up from his clipboard]
DARTH VADER: uh the health star
My vet just texted me and asked for me to bring a sample of my cats “first pee of the morning” to her appointment tomorrow and I just have…so many questions. First of all: how. Second…what is morning to a cat??? Cats just..sleep whenever???
I like when players of opposite teams hug after the game as if to say, “We’re all so very, very rich.”
I’m at the point where my mind thinks I’m 29, my knees suggests I’m 80, and my back wonders why I’m not dead yet.
Boss: Is that beer? You’re not supposed to drink at work!
Me: You’re not supposed to cheat on your wife.
Boss: You’re doing a great job.
My baby bump popped this week, and I’m still waiting for the maternity clothes I ordered to arrive. If you see me walking around looking like Winnie the Pooh, just mind ya business.
The best way to dry off a wet baby is to leave him in a jar of rice overnight.
I’m at my most cat-like when I’m starting a roll of toilet paper.
Tried to sleep by reading a boring book and now it’s suddenly the most interesting book.
FRIEND: do u want to hang out this weekend
ME: generic excuse
FRIEND: did u just say “generic excuse”
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Because of the ancient Roman literature puns?
Her: Yah
Me: But Aenid you
[me adjusting paintball mask] it’s too bad we aren’t on the same team
date: yeah
My great grandmother used say that things were better in Russia before the revolution, but I think she was being Tsarcastic.
Despite the newer research, many people are still afraid of sharks. We will call those people “the living.”
Just had a 10 minute argument about the importance wearing pants in public with a 5yo
She won, today I wear pants when I take her to school
*Rolls window down*
Cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: is it because I’m literally running down the street pretending to be a car?
A pleasant day enough to misarrange slightly some words.
me to the fake CIA agent: okay so you need me to put all my savings in a shoe box? all $387?
scammer: you know what never mind