I deal with my problems in the order they were received.
Right now they’re all on hold listening to crappy music.
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periods should last only 15 mins. like thanks for letting me know im not pregnant, now you can leave the doors that way.
I’ve hidden porn everywhere. Not ordinary porn either, all that weird shit.
When I die, my family will talk about me for years to come.
Pastor: For better, for worse?
Husbands: Sure.
P: In sickness and in health?
H: Yep.
P: Till death do you part?
H: I do.
P: And also she’s going to want some of your fries even if she doesn’t order her own.
H: Hang on … what?
I’m pretty terrified of the possibility that you guys might crawl out of my phone like that girl in The Ring.
Chewing tobacco is for people who like cigarettes, but are hungry
Airport security: no liquids on the plane
Me: ok *starts drinking it*
Airport security: people usually just throw away the shampoo
The inventor of the wooden spoon: this will change cooking forever
Italian Mothers: I can’t wait to hit my kids with this
Cellulite? No thank you. I prefer good old full fat cellu
So, apparently, “My old girlfriend liked it!” isn’t a good defense when your significant other doesn’t like the Taco Bell gift certificate you got her for Valentine’s.
{The purge}
GUY MURDERING ME: It’s “purge.” It’s a soft g.
ME: The purg. I feel like I’m saying it.
GUY: No, it’s “purge.” You’re saying it like “iceberg.”
ME: Purg.
GUY: *Getting increasingly frustrated* Say iceberg.
ME: Iceburge.
*sleeping*
Heartburn: LIKE HELL YOU ARE
[opens fortune cookie]
be careful what you wish for
[opens another]
this is your final warning
The Water Board sent me a notice saying that my bill was a year old,
I obviously apologised for forgetting, and sent them a birthday card.
5-year-old: Dad! Dad! My sister-
Me: Stop tattling. I don’t want to hear about it unless there’s blood.
5:
Me:
5: How much blood?
My good tweets are in my other pants.
“HONEY, MY TOOTHBRUSH IS MOVING!”
“Has it got ears?”
“YEAH.”
“Tail?”
“YEAH.”
“Is it the dog?”
“I THINK I KNOW THE DIFF–AH IT BIT ME AGAIN!”
Coworker: Guess what I’m doing this weekend.
Me: No
My boss is having a colonoscopy today.
I sure hope they find his head.
[operating room]
NEUROSURGEON: and now is the most delicate part of the surgery, where we remove the fluid that has built up in his brain…
NURSE: *nods to assistant* he’s ready for the rice now
I’d love to put a timer on how long it takes you to turn the conversation back to you but my stopwatch app doesn’t do tenths of a second.
The endless handkerchief trick, but it’s me removing a tampon.
Me: What do you think about that?
Him: *typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*5 minutes later
K
At marathons I like to put glitter in cups so when participants grab one and throw it in their face they get a party instead of hydration
I believe meat is murder, vegetables are burglary, bread is mail fraud and dairy is impersonating a police officer.
First person ever: I HAVE SEVERAL HOLES IN MY FACE WHAT IS HAPPENING
date: what is this plate scribbled on with a marker
me: ah yes *kisses fingertips* my signature dish
Job interview
HR: What’s your best asset?
Me: I have an excellent memory.
HR: Give me an example.
Me: Of what?
A guy on Catfish dated a girl for 4 years despite only seeing ONE picture of her. I wouldn’t buy a futon on Craigslist with only one pic.
FRIEND: Australia has 9 of the 10 world’s deadliest snakes
ME: OMG ONE ESCAPED?!
me, doing piggyback rides with daughter: isn’t this fun?
her: *out of breath* dad ur like super heavy