I hope my neighbors follow me on Twitter cause their car’s lights are on.
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My cat hissing at an empty chair is why I sleep in the attic.
I can almost always tell when a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs!
Let he who is without sin throw the first stone. After that we’ll go by who has the birthday closest to today, then by height.
I’m so scared of shoplifters I immediately shoot anyone who walks into the store. I don’t even work here.
This was maybe my favorite tweet of 2021
Hear me out. Organ harvest festival.
Encourage your children to be unfriendly so you can keep your weekends free of other kids’ parties.
Me: I will do anything to not gain weight this holiday season.
Friend: limit your food intake, don’t drink alcohol, and exercise.
Me: No, not like that.
Millennials hate visitors but love having the most advanced doorbell money can buy.
WAITER: Would you like Parmesan cheese on your meal?
ME: Yes
WAITER: Say when
ME: Well now makes the most sense
“My computer just crashed” is going to be a much more serious statement when self-driving cars are the norm
Instagram better not use my cloud pics. THEY’RE MY CLOUDS GET YOUR OWN CLOUDS ZUCKERBERG!
Plot twist: The Rock isn’t Kid Rock’s real dad.
WIFE: How do you feel about Hawaiian pizza?
ME, sipping my pineapple spice latte: I think you know
Wonder what happened to all the kids in middle school who flipped their eyelids inside out at recess
Distance is my jam, solitude is my peanut butter.
When I’m mad at my kid, I don’t put the straw from the juice box in their school lunch.
If there’s one think I’ve learned from twitter it’s to never be near an American and a wood chipper
Yeah but the way I see it is, I have the rest of my life to exercise but this 350 pack of Oreos from Costco expires in December of 2017.
Being fat is when you watch Jurassic Park and wonder if dinosaur tastes good.
Billion dollar idea: An app that sends you a text when the light turns green.
A funny thing to do would be to text random numbers with “I got the live bees you sent, they’ll do nicely”
Tomorrow’s forecast seems ominous.
I remember when peer pressure was all about drugs and promiscuous sex.
Now it’s Fitbit and who has the best gluten free recipes.
Me: *hits snooze on alarm
Life: *sets off smoke detector
“How do you speak with an American accent?”
“Well, imagine vowels killed your parents, and you’re out for revenge.”
POPE: Let us all bow our heads and pray.
MICHELANGELO, from the back: Or maybe look at the ceiling.
Her: It would really mean a lot to my mother if you came
Me *pulling out*: I know she wants grandkids but we’re not ready
If George W. Bush was the president of France today, he would declare war on Finland.
Stegosaurus: We’re getting reports of a huge asteroid. A global killer. We need a volunteer deep-core driller to destroy it
T-Rex: As the world’s best deep-core driller, I will save us all
[cut to T-Rex furiously trying to pick up the detonator he dropped]