you’re not really anticapitalist bro i remember that lemonade stand
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We DNA tested our dog and it turns out he killed a guy in Toledo in ‘79
If your date is holding up their pants with a conveyer belt, they might have a lot of baggage
Dogs are man’s best friend because a dog would never blindside you with an eleven person group text.
How the hell can people with kids ever sell anything ‘gently used’?
All my furniture looks like it was in a bar fight.
Preacher: tell me your favourite verses son
Me: I dunno probably street fighter
Have you decided on dinner?
“Yes, I’ll have the chicken, grilled.”
Very good.
*hears waiter yelling at chicken*
WHERE WERE YOU LAST TUESDAY
Wife: can you pick up milk on your way home
Me: can’t he just get a ride home with friends
Wife: again, our son’s name is not Milk
You ever notice how when you get home from food shopping, the kids turn into airport security?
Bought a kazoo to stick in my husband’s mouth when he snores so he can wake himself up in the most annoying way possible
DTF (Down time finally)
-mom’s everywhere
[Andes’ plane crash survivors diary]
Day 1: Gary’s cheering us up telling jokes
Day 2: Same jokes
Day 4: We all hate Gary
Day 6: We ate Gary
I’m not saying I killed it on the stock market today, but there’s a good chance I’m cutting up a hot dog into my Kraft Dinner tonight.
[My Dad returning 15 years after he left to buy cigarettes] I’ve got toilet paper.
“Son, we have to talk.”
“What is it, Dad?”
“You were adopted.”
“Oh my god… Really?!?”
“Yup. Get ready. They’re picking you up in an hour.”
me: what’s our criminology class on?
friend: cannibalism
me: [gasping] a hannibal lecture
I have made a lot of bad decisions in my life but I’ve never made a bad sandwich. From now on I will make no more decisions only sandwiches.
[At a Christening]
Priest: I now pronounce you Chris and Chris. You may kiss the Chris.
Guests: *chanting* Chris Chris Chris.
Auto correct changed “absence” to “absinthe” and now my kid’s school won’t let me be on the PTA.
“Ive fallen ill with Coronavirus”
-panic inducing
-everyone will think you don’t wash your hands“I’ve been coronated”
-not as scary
-are you royalty?
-can I borrow your crown?
-you can’t probably marry a celebrity now
My son plays this game where he’s a bowling ball and the bowling pins are everything we own.
[Putting on a fitted sheet]
Me: Dammit this is the short side.
Me: This is somehow also the short side.
Cement your reputation as the office Romeo by committing suicide over an underage girl you’ve been seeing for less than a week.
Friend: Are you in any fantasy sports leagues
Me: I wish *imagining Legolas dunking*
St. Peter: Why should I let you into heaven?
Me: Once a coworker said “supposably” 7 times in a meeting & I just let her
StP: Get in here
Told my mother that I have a problem with self-loathing. She said at least I’m a good judge of character.
Me: How many chicken nuggets do you want tonight?
7yo: 100
Me: As a guide, you usually have 4-6
7yo (thinking): 30
ME: I got us a custom headstone!
WIFE: I’m not being immortalized in one of your dumb jokes
ME: Just read it
WIFE: “Tomb it may concern…”
Either I put a bit of weight on during the pandemic or a meteor hit my memory foam mattress last night.
Guys! Everybody needs to stop Kung Fu fighting. Sorry, I don’t make the rules.
Owen Wilson being held upside down by his ankles: MOM