-911 Whats the emergency?
My wife is suffocating me
-Literally or figuratively sir?
Well thats a stupid question. How would I be talking?
You Might Also Like
like people say things like ‘tuna fish’ but not ‘duck bird’ or ‘dad father’
Inventor of popcorn: Quickly! We have to put out the fire in the corn silo before it gets to the butter silo!
2010 Drive-by: Someone wants you dead.
2020 Drive-by: It’s probably your birthday.
A guy from HS asked my best friend why I hate him.
She said, “It’s not personal. Amy hates everybody.”
It’s cool that she gets me.
Take your glasses off. Hold them up to a light to see if they’re dirty. Now try to do it with your mouth closed.
In the event of a tornado, put some weiners in your pocket.
That way the search dogs will find you first.
I just ran 4.1 Kms and realized you can write anything you want after that and no one will read it purple monkey dishwasher.
I’m sorry if I always sound angry when I speak, but I’m a parent and I suffer from a condition called Resting Batman Voice.
be careful
Do men still open car doors?
That 👊
Sure I could kill you with kindness, but let’s see what else is lying around first.
I don’t want to work for 5 days a week and figure out what to cook for dinner everyday. I want to lay on a rock in the sun like a lizard.
Honey we’re having guests tonight, break out the fine jina
If someone acts shocked that you haven’t read a certain book, the best response you can give them is, “Yeah, I heard it sucks”
I just tripped and stumbled into a group of asian kids on the street and accidentally won a breakdancing competition.
My home security system growing up was my parents telling me not to open the door for anyone.
Why do they call it house cleaning and not fighting grime?
If people who made meth called themselves methematicians it would probably be a more respected occupation.
my boss said “why is your shirt untucked” and I said “bc my pants are tucked into my shirt” and now i’m the sales manager
Unchained Melody, but I have no idea how she got loose.
*on first date*
Did you know that wool sweaters are the closest you can legally come to being inside a sheep?
Every day, my kids walk around the basket of clothes in their room to avoid putting them away.
So, I guess it’s hereditary.
Interviewer: can I get you anything?
Me: yea a job
My boss tries to motivate me by saying I should treat every day like it’s my first.
So I keep making mistakes.
Give a man a fish he eats for a day then explains fishing to you even though you’re the one who gave him the fish
*about to rob bank
Me: you cool
Partner: as a cucumber
Neil deGrasse Tyson: actually cucumbers are room temperature
Me: why is he here again
Wife: We hid 60 chocolate eggs right?
Me: Yes. I already “found” 5 though.
winter should be a week maybe two. ride the high of the holidays and go out with a bang— this whole overstaying its welcome thing is a bad look
I am writing a book about all the things I should be doing in my life.
It’s called an oughtobiography.
JERRY SEINFELD: so what’s the *deal* with airplane food
ME (whispering to my date): it’s actually called “jetfuel”