My pet name for my manhood, for obvious reasons, is Whitesnake…You know, cuz… “Here I go again on my own”.
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*Boyfriend gets in bed*
Him: Wanna fool around?
Me: *Doesn’t hear him because I’m tipping the cheetos bag directly into my mouth*
“Why don’t you want to have kids?”
*motions hysterically in every direction*
the lights on this hospital in my hometown have gone out in a majorly unfortunate way :/
Him: What’s your baby’s name?
Her: Angel of Death
Him: err..
Her: ..it’s from the Bible.
Psychologist: Let’s play a word association game. I’ll say a word, you say what springs to mind
Rainbows
Me: I hope my ex dies in a fire.
agenda 4 today:
•shower
•cheerios
•shower-cheerios?
•”hike”
•Photograph a mountain lion
•get mauled by 2nd (hiding) mountain loin
(interview for construction job)
Foreman: Your resume is just pictures of LEGOs?
Me: (proudly) Didn’t even have to look at the instructions
“Name him Mufasa, it means “king” in Manazoto. And uh, we’ll call HIM Scar. Because his face.”
Simba’s grandparents were the real villains.
St Patrick drove all the snakes out of Ireland, which was fantastic until they decided to become politicians
Imagine if we didn’t have Google and still relied on encyclopedias to find out “Why poop green?”
literally anyone: “would you like some ice cream?”
me: [knowing ice cream makes me serverely ill] “ooo yes please”
God, I love Scotland
sorry I didn’t call the dog ate your phone number
Read that again implies that I read it a first time, which I most certaintly did not.
When people name their town Plainview, at least they’re honest enough to admit it’s not much to look at.
Loan officer: And what is the purpose of your loan, Sir?
Me: Whole Foods. I shop at Whole Foods.
Be the reason why a nun does the sign of the cross when she looks at you.
I’m just thankful that the presidential election doesn’t have a swimsuit portion.
Student:Why do we need to know this?
Me: To look smart for your friends.
Student:What if I don’t want to look smart?
Me: You’re doing great.
I told the baby to stop throwing her cup and she immediately grabbed it, took a long drink, threw it across the room and then looked me dead in the eye and said, “Uh oh.”
My neighbor once told me when I straightened my hair I looked like Jennifer Aniston, two days later he was taken away in a straight jacket. I think about that a lot.
you’re never too old to achieve your dreams. prince charles is 73 and he just got his first job.
a squirt gun filled with tuna water would be a pretty devastating weapon
John: we need a new word for foolishness
Tom: How about johnfoolery lol
John: Ok that’s definitely what I’m writing down
It’s super offensive when they move on before you did.
*falls down several flights of stairs, breaking multiple bones*
ME: *into headset mic* I’m in
Therapist: You pretentiously slip French words into conversations because of your deep-seated insecurity.
Me: Touché.
Microwaves are just clocks that also heat food.
Another exciting afternoon in Cheltenham…