My daughter and I were in a drive thru and the lady said, “She headed to a photo shoot?” And I said, “She’s actually on her way to court.”
She looked surprised so I said, “She’s not in trouble, she’s a lawyer.” And she said, “Well if she was in trouble she wouldn’t be for long.”
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The difference between the kids table and the adults table during holiday dinners is that there is much more screaming, crying, and arguing at the adults table.
Red Skull’s name is pretty on-the-nose. How did his parents know.
Someone’s 26 year old son: hey I love older women, older women are amazing I love that you’re older
Me: turns directly to dust
kinda rude that my bank told me how much money i spent on food this month. what if i didn’t want to know that
If you remove all the segments where they tell you what’s coming up, Dateline is actually only 13 minutes long.
I lost 6 hours of sleep last night, lying in bed wondering if Muppets get haircuts.
My girlfriend told me to treat her like a princess. So i married her off to a random stranger to strengthen the alliance with France.
My husband’s coming home from a work trip, so I’m putting dishes in the sink to make it look like I didn’t eat toast on a paper towel for five days.
All the pictures of me at age 20 are blurry because that’s when I was a human cannonball in the circus
I’m in my late 40s raising a teenage son, tween son and toddler daughter of course my house is basically a frat house with glitter
When an ex mansplains something to you it’s called “explaining”
You know it’s time to quit smoking when you laugh at a tweet and you sound like Muttley.
My cat, an idiot: Those ornaments look exactly like my toys. Why can’t I play with them?
Me, pinnacle of animals: That felt frog wearing a top hat is to celebrate The Lord
Are we sure that we’re supposed to look for a human to settle down with? Cause I’m discovering I have much more in common with this blanket.
Oh panic attacks,I thought you said pancake attacks because I have those all the time.
My 6 year old came into the bathroom while I was using it to tell me she hates it when the dog comes into the bathroom when she’s using it.
The surgeon who worked on my shoulder said it should feel better in a week to seven days, which makes me worry.
I’m sorry I slapped you but you didn’t seem like you would ever stop talking and I panicked.
I think I’m going to Bangladesh.
Ladesh: I have a boyfriend.
7: *walks into the house, holding $20 in one hand & keys in the other
Me: What kind of sales pitch did you use on your PaPa to get that?
7: I need $20 and your car keys.
If you’re not sure if a woman is pregnant or not, go ahead and ask her how far along she is in order to clear things up
[tries to walk into my How to Use a Revolving Door class and ends up outside again] wtf
*a guy sneezes*
*i scramble to put on a fake mustache*
“BLESS YOU”
*rolls eyes* thanks kyle *deep sigh* youre a–
“IM A BLESSING IN DISGUISE”
*accidentally makes crinkling noise.
TRAINER: you know what they say
ME: no pain! lo mein!
TRAINER: it’s “no gain”
ME: (eating Chinese food) i like this better
If the interviewer doesn’t think it’s cool when you pull a quarter out of his ear, the job wasn’t good enough for you anyways.
I found a hardcover book titled ‘50 ways to make yourself happy’ . The first and only happiness is throwing that book at some idiots head.
Woman on bus just pulled her mask down to cough.
You can tell a lot about a person by how many pet possums they have.