not to brag, but mine was free
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I’m sorry I said your head looks too small to power your body.
oh shit. came home & there is a giant cat in the bed
[Deleting all work emails]
THESE DON’T BRING ME JOY!
we can cancel Times Square we’ve dropped the ball all year.
Damn girl, are you an octagon?
Cause there’s like 8 different sides to you.
her: i’m a cat person
me:
her:
me: name one part of u that’s cat, Becky
If God didn’t intend for us to eat animals, he was probably really freaked out when we started
Fox News: Witnesses are telling us Michael Brown may have charged Officer Darren Wilson atop a dragon, wielding a poison-tipped broadsword
“Don’t worry, the spider is smaller than you”
Yeah….so is a grenade
me: the wind blew off 3/4 of my roof
friend: oof
me: pretty much
Not now mom I’m downloading a new virus from Limewire
My husband got some virtual reality goggles for christmas and so far I like them because they make him very vulnerable to attack.
Thanks for saying ‘on your mobile’ in your bio, for a moment I thought you might be tweeting like me, from a calculator in the psych ward
[creating the armadillo]
GOD: I want a half turtle,
ANGEL: Okay
G: Half pig,
A: Okay, I’m on it-
G: Half anteater
A: …Are u drunk
G: Very
Google photos: hey, here’s a picture from 10 years ago
Me: looks down and realizes I’m wearing the same shirt today
There is no “five second rule”…
Just a “shame-to-hunger” ratio.
My 3yo (who is extremely clean for a toddler) keeps crying at mealtimes because “I don’t like watching the baby eat, she’s so messy” and honestly, same
[after bowling]
Me: that was fun
Date: you whispered “bowling” every time you rolled the ball
Me: it helps me aim
[later in bed]
Me: *whispering* bo-
Her: -no
I yelled at my cat and the other cats yelled at me like wow k pay my mortgage then
*entire building at my work loses power*
*I run all the way to Linda’s office*
Remember when you said light up shoes were a dumb idea?
Wife: I’ve blisters on my hands from the broom.
Me: Take the car next time!
I turn my phone off overnight. A 3am text either means bad news or drunk people, and both make more sense in the morning.
I can tell she’s pissed, the floors look amazing.
[1st date]
Her: So, were you born here?
Me: [an idiot] In this restaurant? No. I was born in a hospital.
Can’t, busy teaching a toddler gang signs.
*watches neighbor sprint outside in his underwear chasing the garbage truck after I rolled his trash can back to his house last night*
Whenever a serial killer is caught, I always check my follower list to make sure you’re all still there.
HITMAN: Your husband’s sleeping with the fishes
MERMAID: I know, that’s why I want him killed
WIFE: I want a new baby monitor for Christmas
ME: k
[Christmas morning]
WIFE: um
PRESENT UNDER TREE: *hisses and rustles*
ME: you should open that one first
I’m pretty sure Hitler himself would kill Baby Hitler, afterall he killed regular Hitler.