You know what rhymes with, “I’m Fine” ?
“More Wine”
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You know you’ve really messed up when your teen stops you mid sentence with “Dude. No” then follows it up with “Duuuuuude. Stop”
me, angry: I’m LEAVING-
doorknob: nope *catches purse strap*
6yo: Newton discovered gravy
Me: gravity, he discovered gravity.
6yo: what’s that?
Me: it’s what stops you floating off into space
6yo: *sadly* he should have stuck with the gravy
Not to brag but I gave someone directions and he made it.
me: this is dave. every word he says is brilliant
friend: hi dave
dave: brilliant
“It’s too early for porn.” Said no man ever.
Passed by a old school Math example today.
Interviewer: u worked in sales before?
Me: yeah
Interviewer: what’s your background?
Me [gets phone out]: picture of my dog eating spaghetti
[date]
Me: Wanna watch Star Wars?
Him: No interest, before my time.
Me *pretending to choke him with my mind*
Him: What’re you doing?
me: i want your honest opinion
friend: [gives honest opinion]
me: [nods… but also mentally drops them 5 spots in my friendship rankings]
TEACHER: please take off your hat in class
*I take off my hat revealing a slightly smaller hat*
ME: I can do this 14 more times
I’m assuming my husband bought me gym clothes and fat burning supplements because he wants a divorce
me *choking on a piece of popcorn*
cat: Finally
Looking good, Kim! #LNSM
GUY: *cuts me off in traffic
ME: *eating cereal* YOU SIR, SHOULD NOT BE ALLOWED DRIVE A CAR!!
*angrily waves spoon
“If you’re not on medication no one will know how crazy you you are,” she said red flaggingly.
GET LOST THIS DUMPSTER ONLY SLEEPS ONE
It is a truth universally acknowledged that no two people have the same interpretation of the words “We need to leave in ten minutes.”
Everybody has a method to their twitter madness. Don’t critique mine, and I won’t critique yours. If you don’t like how I do it, unfollow.
Did you know when someone annoys you it takes 42 muscles to frown but only 4 to extend your arm and punch them in the face.
{Company meeting}
Pres: Our biggest fears have come true…*I run to check on the donuts
*Stroll back in, spitting crumbs “what’s wrong?”
100% of people in this world have texted “I just saw your text” at some point which is proof that there are no honest people in this world
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
idea: business cards that just say NO
Sir can I have 5 mins of ur [card]
Girl can I get ur number [card]
BRO DID U STEAL MY NO CARDS [card]
My schedule in my 20s revolved around kids’ feeding, baths, and diapering. My schedule in my 30s revolved around kids’ school and activities. My schedule in my 40s revolves around my bladder.
ME: make every guy afraid of me
GENIE: as u wish
ME: (a tampon): son of a
Siri disappoints once again when she refuses my ask for a tactical air strike on the slow-moving car in front of me.
You learn something new everyday. Yesterday I learned eating 29 SlimJims gives me diarrhea. Today I learned eating 28 also gives me diarrhea
*puts on winter boots*
*trudges through newly fallen legos*
Im losing my mind and can’t remember when I’ve already done things.
Case in point: My fish are actually looking obese.