[job interview]
“You wrote here your biggest weakness is not knowing what irony means.”
“Ironic isn’t it? Is it? I don’t know.”
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911: what’s your emergency
me: my neighbors gone crazy, he’s screaming about superman and dragging his wife around by the hand.
911: what’s his location?
me: he’s 3 doors down
Hand sanitizer either smells like springtime and freshness or an alcoholic bus driver who will beat your germs to death with the power of his rum breath.
Get your hero name by doing something brave and seeing what the newspapers call you.
I’m Local Man.
I find a duck’s opinion of me is very much influenced by whether or not I have bread.
Free advice: Saying “meaty shaft” in a corporate meeting is like saying bomb on an airplane.
It’s so hot farmers are harvesting tomato soup.
Gonna spend the day staring at the Sun. Eclipse practice.
[meeting]
Assistant: ok, so here I have a cappuccino, an americano, a soy latte and one decaf with tears of innocent children
Demon in the back: I have the soy latte
my street gang has been walking down the street snapping our fingers in unison for like 3 days, we all forgot why we were doing it
GF’s friend didn’t keep my Valentine’s gift a secret. So I had to embroider a towel for her too. Because, well, snitches get stitches.
[dating game]
GIRL: contestant #1 tell me how u would woo me
ME: woo like in duck tales woo woo or a different type of woo?
G: contestant #2
Educated Twitter about to come and differentiate for us between an earthquake and tremor.
We don’t care…as long as there is shaking.
doctors will be like go get this and pharmacists will be like here u go
If my husband asks, we took a lit course together in college
Having a tan is attractive. Having skin sponsored by Doritos isn’t.
I sexually identify as an avocado.
Not in the mood.
Not in the mood.
Not in the mood.
Oh yes tonight is the nigh-
Too late, I’m over it.
[prehistoric times]
MUM: When you get married, your husband will be the hunterDAUGHTER: So I gather
Moist people aren’t offended by the occasional typo.
[alternate universe]
teacher: and that’s how you do your taxes
student: thank you. what a useful skill i have learned here today
how i look when they bring my wings at pluckers.
My favorite part of eating alone at this trendy restaurant was when the waitress asked if I had cats because I had cat hair, “all over.”
I know I did a good job dressing my 3 year old when my wife doesn’t have to tell everyone she sees that I dressed her.
Coffee: Because when you’re groggy and barely coherent, the first thing you should do is handle a scalding hot cup of liquid.
I need a house elf. No weirdos tho.
No one should be surprised that so many tweets are about unhappiness and failure. You don’t end up on Twitter by making good life decisions.
*rookie cop notices splatter on the wall*
Looks like a hotdog defended itself here and lost.
[first day as a surgeon]
me: do you have any questions?
patient: how often do people die during this surgery?
me: just once
You never realize how many people you hate until you try to name a child.
a person who loves cats is not a cat person theyre a dog person who loves cats. a cat person is sombody who is completley apathetic to cats