You didn’t let me know you got home safely so you better at least be injured or I’m gonna be pissed.
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If you told Alexander Hamilton that the online lottery to see his rap musical was unavailable due to server overload, he’d be like, “WITCH!”
ME: I’m seeing a little water staining on the ceiling. There must be a leak somewhere.
CONTRACTOR: When are you noticing it most?
ME: When I look up.
Breaking News:
I did 3/16th of a complete push-up
Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I’m not sure what it means.
You think you have it rough, try driving with two Pringles cans on your hands
If I tell you I will do anything for you, don’t get too excited, because I will also do anything for a slice of pizza.
me: AAAAAA SPIDER, KILL IT KILL IT
wife: [destroys spider’s confidence and self worth until it throws itself into traffic]
I once scaled a mountain to seek the wisdom of a Tibetan monk. He said life is like a gum ball machine, sometimes it takes your quarter and you get nothing. Then he charged me a dollar.
My 4yo tells me his toothpaste is “too spicy” but he doesn’t seem to be having any trouble with Flamin’ Hot Cheetos
friend: wish you were here!
me, abruptly stopping whatever I’m doing and captaining a speedboat approaching your house: oh really
I do the crane stance like in the Karate Kid movie each time I have to flush the toilet in a public restroom.
Her: You’re all sweaty. Where have you been?
*Flash back to an hour long struggle of me trying to separate 2 shopping carts*
Me: The gym.
I’ve reached the age where people talk loudly and slowly to me.
Woke up with a hangover to the sound of my neighbor cutting the grass. He can cut around me, I’m not movin’.
Getting a nosebleed on your period is like a ketchup sachet bursting at both ends.
Every time my parents buy my kids a loud toy, I submit their phone number to a mortgage refinancing company.
me: I need tires
michelin: here you go
me: now if only someone could rate my restaurant
michelin: you’re not gonna believe this
Why don’t we just number the days of the week, like:
Onesday
Twosday
Threesday
Foursday
Fivesday
Sixday
Sevensday
Imagine the Gilmore Girls discussing which wire to cut on a bomb.
MOB BOSS: It has come to my attention that within this very room, we have a SNITCH
HARRY POTTER: Oh hell yeah I’ll get it
My plan to entomb myself like a pharaoh in a pyramid stocked with everything I’ll need in the afterlife is in jeopardy because I keep eating all the Oreos.
I didn’t sign up for the 401k at work, because there’s no way I can run that far.
[during prison riot]
cellmates: we’re busting out. you coming?
me: *shakes magic 8 ball*
magic 8 ball: ask again later
me: shoot hang on
What I lack in moves on the dancefloor I more than make up for in dancing around a conversation
I would go to the gym during the Christmas holidays but I don’t really think that’s what Jesus would have wanted
Cannibals don’t drink coffee.
They have a cup of Joe instead.
me: [hits guy with sock full of pennies]
him: is that all you got
me: yeah inflation’s bad
Happy thanksgiving
whoever named them missiles wasn’t very optimistic
Him: Shall we have sex?
Her: I want to wait til we’re married
Him: Ugh fine
Priest: Shall I continue?