Where’s my employee discount too?
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Oh OK thanks for the tip, I was actually planning on letting the bed bugs bite but good call
Homeless guy at the car wash just said I have beautiful eyes….So don’t play wit me
i still can’t believe that my senior class voted me “least likely to let things go”
Ways to get me naked:
1. Be hot
2. Be funny
3. Be alcohol
4. Pretend to be my gynecologist
uncle ben: remember pete, with great power comes great responsibility
peter parker: you’re right i should stop crimes with my webs
uncle ben (scared): ok.
Yeah avengers endgame was good but I found out my boyfriend is a movie clapper so at what cost
*working out*
this is so much worse than i thought
Beatles albums are like “I’m going to give you one of the most soaring, emotional songs you’ve ever heard” and then the next track is like “doo doo doo! Mr Man and his Silly Hat went for a walk!”
If your conservative parents piss you off over the holidays, come out to them. You don’t even have to be gay, it’s just a fun thing to do.
Happy anniversary to the almond at the bottom of my purse.
Y’all think a holey cow makes swiss cheese?
Me [crying]: I just don’t understand what I did wrong. Please let me in.
Automatic Door: Screw. You.
I fell in love with a female electrician.
…She was a real live wire and i took her ohm with me.
Um, my eyes are up here.
-giraffes
Nobody in this neighborhood ever got along until we all hated your rooster.
This day in history. 1965. The Who’s equipment van was stolen while they were inside the Battersea Dogs Home choosing a dog to guard their van.
It’s offensive when people unfollow me just because I unfollowed them. My tweets are still good, yours are not.
Cleaning up a murder scene shouldn’t count against you at trial. “It proves you were trying to get away with it.” No, it proves I didn’t want a pool of blood in my kitchen.
Reasons I’m like Donald Duck:
1- Mainly white
2- Kinda fat
3- Rarely wears pants
4- Highly irritable
5- Hard to understand
6- Prisoner of the Disney Corporation
7- Genuinely confused if Goofy is a dog or what the hell
i raised my dog to treat all people as equals
whether they be grey, grey, grey or grey
Hell hath no fury like an old lady scolding you for going in the wrong direction down a one-way aisle at the grocery store.
Telling my daugthers date that “she has lice and its very contagious the closer you get to her.”
*Correct way to parent.
“Your package is running late and no one is more surprised and upset than we are.”
—Lies Amazon tells me.
I sleep with my clothes on and one eye open. Not because I’m scared, but my zipper is broken and I’ve had too much botox on one side.
Me: I’ve brought a urine sample
Doctor: I didn’t ask for a urine sample
Me: There was a lot of traffic
Maybe Jesus went black, and that’s why he isn’t coming back.
Comedians: if you’re not offending someone you’re not doing comedy right
Mitch Hedberg: I think Bigfoot is blurry, that’s the problem. It’s not the photographers fault and that’s extra scary to me because there’s a large out of focus monster roaming the countryside
The best plant holders?
Somewhere, a ninja watches “I Didn’t Know I was Pregnant.” An imperceptible smile creeps across his lips. “Damn right you didn’t.”
Me: can you spell wonton backwards?
Friend: not now !