there’s a trend I’m seeing on TikTok rn of women in their 20s and 30s starting ballet “for their mental health” and as a former ballerina…….. i am experiencing some real dramatic irony here
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townsfolk: you should come to the festival
me: is this a normal “corny” festival or a “human sacrifice to ensure good harvest” festival?
townsfolk: which will entice you to be there?
me: oh i’m going regardless
Roger Federer is a bit more than Rog Feder but is less than Rogest Federest
Funny how in old video games you could just eat a whole turkey or a pizza you found on the street and it would make you better but my doctor specifically told me I had to stop doing that so who’s telling the truth
pharmacist: are you getting a booster?
me: high chair please.
Two years ago I became a proud father. My son is 6, but he was kinda lame those first four years.
2016: Trump elected
2018: Border wall completed
2020: Mexico takes Gold, Silver & Bronze in Pole Vault at the Summer Olympics
#ThisIsWhyMeghanLeft
They did not think through this water fountain
ME, in my 20s: Bro, if you bring chips, make sure you get the “Scarlet Viper Ghost Dragon Habanero Pepper” flavor! Whooo!
ME, now: Excuse me, young man, do you carry “A Timid Suggestion of Chive” chips? I have a prescription from my gastroenterologist.
friend: why are you crying?
me: I’m having trouble dealing my grandma’s passing
grandma: *slinging a football at my head* just catch it, nerd
Black magic is just like regular magic, but with bigger wands.
Orcas seemed to have stopped attacking people and somehow that’s scarier. What are they planning?
i wanna be one of those basic girls that’s really good at making shark coochie boards or whatever. you know, these.
THERAPIST: I want us to share our emotions with the whole group today. Who wants to go first?
ME: Me!
T: Thank you!
ME: [leaving] No problem
If you’re thinking of getting a hairless cat, go the extra mile and get a catless cat.
I think it’s safe to say that I’ve earned my gray thumb. My rock garden is blooming like crazy.
fat and greedy, my favorite type of animal
I am a full grown adult. Now listen to me discuss the various plot holes in Paw Patrol.
Putting tape over my webcam so the hackers can’t watch me take unreasonably large bites of food.
*bites zombie*
Interviewer: Where do you want to be in 5 years?
Me: Oh, it doesn’t matter. You will have fired me well before then.
Farmer: Netflix and till
Moonshiner: Netflix and still
Estate planner: Netflix and will
Dentist: Netflix and drill
Attorney: Netflix and bill
Mountaineer: Netflix and hill
Doctor: Netflix and ill
Pharmacist: Netflix and pill
Jack: Netflix and Jill
If you post a handstand photo of yourself at the beach in Uggs you’re automatically entered into an essay contest on why you love your Jetta
Just tell me those 3 words I am dying to hear:
“The meeting’s cancelled.”
Pro Tip: If you stand outside a restaurant wearing a red jacket, people will literally just give you their car.
Wife:
I’m
*pause*
leaving
*pause*
you.Me: Is it because I’m always on this trampoline?
look for my book on Amazon: What To Do When Your Teen May Be Abusing ADHD Meds But Goddammit His Chores Are Actually Done For Once
A remake of The Notebook called The iPad
I don’t wanna last longer in bed, I got post coital jokes.
“Hey look, a corn maze!”
– me, drunk, about to get lost in a corn maze