New rule: no video games before the time you’d normallly get home from school. That’s going to work with the 17 year old, right?
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there’s no law that your resolutions need to be positive; you can resolve to become a lot worse
When your spouse comes to you excited about a toilet seat, it’s best to remind yourself this person will most likely decide when to pull your life support plug someday so you get excited with them about that toilet seat.
My coworker Gwynn broke her leg slipping on ice and didn’t even laugh when I called her Pain-Gwynn
I don’t drink alcohol, I drink spirits.
I’m not an alcoholic, I am spiritual.
Me and my mates are in a band called duvet.
We’re a cover band
[hotel room]
Her: why are you making the bed
Me: I can’t have housekeeping thinking we’re slobs, Karen
[at the gym]
Trainer: You want me to spot you, bro?
Waldo: Please don’t do that.
Forgot about the 12-20 months stage of having a baby where your house is just littered with random objects they picked up, carried around, and dropped for no reason like you live inside a claw machine.
How to run faster:
1. Drink a lot of water
2. Wait till u have to pee
3. Start runningYou’re welcome
David Attenborough: The faster antelope species always keep their slower cousins, the cantaloupe, nearby to throw under the feet of predators to trip them thus creating a hilarious pile up on the savannah.
The first rule of Illiteracy Club is no reading. That was a test, and you failed. You’re failing now. You’re not welcome in Illiteracy Club.
COP: I need to search your car.
ME: Sure, google whatever you want officer.
Me: I’ll see you in court!
Waldo: will you
I asked Alexa to play the Encanto soundtrack and I swear I heard her sigh
Me: this meeting could’ve been an email.
Also me: (gets an email) Goddammit.
If you don’t have plans tonight, head to a crowded restaurant, stand up during the meal, and say “She said yes!”. Free applause and dessert. You’re welcome.
Just finished up some dusting. And by dusting I mean I blew on a shelf and then sneezed 6 times in a row.
It’s called an orgasHIM not an orgasHER
What’s the etiquette for showing up to a party you weren’t invited to? Should I bring dip or??
Saint Peter: Name
M: David
SP: You’re in
M: Even after that night in Nogales?!
SP *winks*
*takes a step*
*trap door opens*
SP: Sucka!
*filling plastic bags with electricity for my Tesla*
Never tell a woman you’re infatuated with her. All she’ll hear is “fat”.
The school is serving mini corn dogs tomorrow and I honestly don’t know who’s more excited: my 8yo, who likes approximately 5 foods, or me, who doesn’t have to pack her lunch.
me: do you have anything for dry skin?
pharmacist: aloe.
me: um hi. do you have anything for dry skin.
When my boyfriend gives me a hug during an argument, it looks loving, but I’m just patting him down to make sure he’s not wearing a wire.
I like long walks away from everyone
Clean sheet day!!
*brushes Pringles crumbs over to his side of the bed*
One of the downfalls of sleeping with a fan and then the power going out is your kid asking what that weird noise is and it’s just you breathing normally.
Lady: Don’t go there it’s a very Brad neighborhood
Me: Brad?
*Hundreds of Brads ascend from the sewers. Time stops. The sky turns Brad*
I feel like my heart’s been ripped out and my soul eaten by a herd of wild cats whenever anyone accuses me of being overly dramatic.