Me: My bed is so warm and cosy. I never want to leave.
Bladder: AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
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I exercise by running up the street knocking on all the doors.
Jehovah’s fitness.
Freak your cat out by running in the room, stopping abruptly to lick yourself and then running back out again.
me, on the phone: haha hail satan what’s up
god: still me you didn’t click over
Hubs: You wouldn’t believe the day I had at work!
Me: (wiping my kid’s piss off the floor and carpet for the 4,000th time today)
Hubs: Never mind
Me: Smart move
At the last supper Jesus was probably like it would be way more comfortable for everyone if some of you sat on the other side of the table
Financial Advisor: You should think about diversifying your assets.
Me: You mean like buying shorts that aren’t cargo?
I’m a vegetarian except for chicken, beef, pork, and fish products.
IKEA Customer Services: hello, how may we help?
me: I seem to be missing a couple of parts
IKEA CS: could you describe the missing pieces?
me: well, where to begin…
I wouldn’t know what to do with a member even if I caught one
ME: Can you stop the car here? I wanna pet the dogs at that animal shelter.
ARRESTING OFFICER: No.
So many accidents occur in the home. I once turned a dimmer switch too fast and got beamed into another dimension
I’m very strong, but not in a get a jar open kinda way.
Last week I ran out of toilet paper and only had a dollar so I bought a pack of gum at CVS.
I haven’t run out of receipt yet.
I haven’t exaggerated in over 350 years.
Almost 15 years ago my son was born and you find yourself picturing things they might do in there lives. In that moment, I knew that one day I’d be at high school football game on Friday night watching him.
15 years later and I’m here. Watching him play the tuba at halftime.
i have never needed anything in my life more than this
The funniest part about The Bachelor is the participants actually think being married is a prize.
Goldfish 911: What’s ur emergency?
Goldfish: I forgot
Goldfish 911: Forgot what?
Goldfish: WHO IS THIS?
Goldfish 911: I DON’T KNOW
Wife: Sleep tight, don’t let the bed bugs bite!
Me: Haha funny.
[under the mattress]
Bed Bug King: TONIGHT WE DINE IN HELL *tiny drums bang*
Instesd of avoiding typos, embrance them. No one will pint them out if you spell everythinj wring.
I’ve decided that my go to from now on will be
“Sorry my house is a mess my husband is out of town”
They don’t need to know that it’s like this no matter what.
Her: Well, I know I told you that.
Me: *closes eyes*
Her: What are you doing?
Me: Checking for it in my spam folder.
Popeye teaches us that the best reason to eat healthy is revenge. #CartoonLifeLessons
My 3-year-old was supposed to dress up as a star for the Christmas pageant.
She threw a fit and demanded a different costume.
Now there are three wise men and one Power Ranger.
The only reason I know it’s February is because the M&M’s are pink.
Don’t get too excited when someone says “and Bob’s your uncle”. It’s just a figure of speech
Me: I’m so sick and I can’t taste anything
Disgusting cough syrup: Wanna bet?
Just remember…once annoying family arrives, the only side dish you’ll need is whiskey and a shot glass.
Me: *takes off headphones and puts air guitar down* what?
Flight attendant: I need you to sit
When you’re running late, don’t tell your kids you’re running late cause they won’t move any faster and they’ll say fun things like, “I’m fine being late”.