lmao
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Me: My head hasn’t been in the right place lately.
GF: You might want to check up your ass.
Cashier: do you need bags?
Me: do any of us NEED anything?
Cashier: sir, I have a liberal arts degree too
Me: plastic please
The family dog always likes one person best in the family and if you don’t agree then it’s not you.
a 3 y/o asked if i was an adult yesterday, when i said “yes” he goes “why?” and honestly i don’t have a good answer for it. why am i an adult?? i could be anything?!!
Them: Farm animals don’t make good pets
Me: Hold my goat
My toddler thought the moon was beautiful tonight. So beautiful that he wanted to give it a hug. Proving once again that kids are incredibly sweet.
And so so dumb.
When some kids on the street are jumping rope and ask you, a well coordinated adult in your own mind, to jump in, don’t do it.
I repeat, don’t do it.
6, holding a pic of me pregnant with him, “Why are you SO FAT?”
Me, “You’re inside my tummy.”
6, “That’s DISGUSTING.”
Me, “It gets worse..”
[before sex]
Me: *taking off clothes* they call me the matador
Her: why’s that?
Me: *crawling in bed with socks on* the red flags
there are three types of writers;
1) those who plot their books
2) those who discover their plot along the way
3) those who know what will happen but their book is a bit feral still, needs a bath, has bitten and will bite again
I want to be featured on the news and the caption below me to read *unintelligible screaming*.
She: I like Cats
He:
Computer keyboards should have a removable crumb tray, like toaster ovens.
KID: *is crying over school drama*
ME: Don’t worry, kid. All this anxiety and insecurity will diminish as you get older-
KID: *smiles hopefully up at me*
ME: and turn into an ominous fear that’ll follow you to the grave.
The bouncer was kicking me out & I put up my finger for him 2 wait,while I chugged the rest of my drink.All he could say was:
Are U serious?
Baked beans are like regular beans except they can’t stop laughing, love munchies and sleep on your couch.
the first snowflake of winter: *falls*
my body: WE DEMAND SOUP
We need to drop all our differences and unite against our common enemy: mercury in retrograde
In email they should change “Save As New” to “Ugh, I’ll Deal With That Later.”
Cellmate: What are you in for?
Me: The free food and healthcare
My date didn’t go as planned and now I don’t know what to do with this kiddie pool full of nacho cheese.
Just gave my next door neighbor a giant bag of candy to dump in my sons trick or treat bucket on Halloween so I can go home after one house.
Kinda thick horizontal curvy line, two thinner curvy vertical lines, squiggly line, different thicker squiggly line
-Japanese spelling bee
My next door neighbor has been knocking on my front door for hours.
Does she really think I am going to let her leave?
Gets drunk.
Drunk: Oh I’m so gonna get you back.
What idiot decided to call it gonorrhea instead of hot sausage?
Ohh, no thanks. I have seen a baby before
You can just put your own drawings up on the fridge. Nobody assumes an adult drew it so they’re always super impressed.
Here’s the most important thing to keep in mind when your kid starts kindergarten: picking them up. Yeah…I just got “the call.”
God grant me the patience to accept the people whose outfits I cannot change.