bartender asked if i wanted another beer & i said “no thank you, i have to pee soon & don’t like leaving an open beer” so one of the guys said “ain’t nobody gonna drink your beer”
…do men think the reason we don’t leave our drinks unattended is because someone will drink it??
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Dear Lord,
Thank you for these noodles I’m about to eat and the good deal I got buying them in bulk at Costco. RA-MEN!
I’m not self medicating myself with booze. The guy at the liquor store wrote me a prescription.
Well he called it a receipt…whatever.
There’s this guy at work who’s giving his wife a gym membership & a vegetable juicer for her birthday tomorrow.
His name was Tom.
Historian : Rome wasn’t built in a day.
Me : [Trying to impress the girls] He’s right, you know, it was built in Italy.
[my day at work]
9:00am: so much to do, blessed!
9:05am: ok I’m bored
9:06am: *googles am I too goth for work?*
#AddAWomanToASong How Streep is your love.
Before handing your wallet and wife’s necklace over to that angry gunman, pause to consider how sweet it would be if your son became Batman.
Fortunately, I’m just tall enough to see out of these 2 holes in my face
The struggle when hungry me has to eat the lunch that healthy me packed
Me: *squirting air bubbles into the sea monkey tank
7: I didn’t know those things were still alive.
M: That’s why you don’t have a dog.
I pet my dog and she started to purr. Thought I should lay off the drugs until I realized the cat was sitting behind her.
The year 2077. Due to the dog filter, face swap, and distortion filters, senior citizens have no idea what they really looked like as teens.
“What are you doing here?”
I just got fired from the circus
“Oh my”
Yeah, the calibration on my cannon was way off. I landed in your pond
Will I be able to follow Children of the Corn if I didn’t see the prequels, Babies of the Corn and Toddlers of the Corn?
I just found out that they made an entire movie based on my favorite Will Smith song “Men in Black.”
him: you’re obsessed with the Flintstones
me *totally broke, struggling to use a chipmunk to open a can* haha yes
I threw caution to the wind.caution is my little brother.
My daughter just watched “Cujo” for the first time.
Guess who’s putting shaving cream around the dogs mouth later ?
“There’s approximately a 50% chance there will be weather today.”
-meteorologists
My husband brought home a big box of “12 festive cheeses”. I don’t know if he’s trying to turn me on, but it’s working.
<—– gave a man a heart attack by admitting he was right
same vibe as tangled headphones
I bought a new cat tree for my cats and they are just having the best time playing in the box it came in.
I just accidentally swallowed a whole bunch of Scrabble tiles. My next shit could spell disaster.
I don’t get it. EVERYTHING we do is for money. Why does society condemn it for sex? DAD: Um, okay. Maybe someone ELSE wants to say grace?
Dean Martin: Oh, the weather outside is frightful.
The weather: *reads my credit card bill*
Anytime my husband upsets me, I just add more shampoo bottles to our shower. Currently, there’s 47.
No chill.
So where do I put the banana if I am not happy to see you?