CENTAUR: My dad slept with a horse
MINOTAUR: My mum slept with a bull
PIGOTAUR: My dad was Prime Minister.
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I bet characters in science fiction novels get annoyed when they read all the feast scenes in fantasy books. “Why do they get cakes and mutton and we’re stuck with instant noodles and nutrient paste?”
{Dark ally}
So how good are these drugs?*Dealer forcefully pulls me close*
“Ever just grab the right amount of hangers?”Wow. That’s good
Always remember, no matter how bad things get, there’s an animal in the world that would love to be sitting curled up in your lap. Maybe it’s a dog. Maybe it’s a cat. Maybe it’s that weird person from Tinder, but nevertheless…
When I misplace something and you say “where did you have it last” I feel like you don’t know what misplace means.
it’s sundress season and i have several dresses with pockets and and if you don’t think i’m gonna use them to carry spicy chicken nuggets and mini babybels, you are mistaken
all i’m saying is that i probably would have used a different font here.
Just went into a women’s restroom and lifted all the toilet seats.
I’m a Florida 4, but a Walmart 6, so I’m a Florida Walmart 5.
Weird; People in my office have started naming the food in the company fridge. Today I ate a tuna sandwich named Kevin.
[someone kicks a dumpster out of anger]
ME (from inside): Who is it?
Judging by the amount of times I accidently cut myself on sharp objects it’s probably just as well real lightsabers aren’t available yet.
“Anyway it was lovely to meet you!” – Translation: Off you go!
My favourite child is the one who just told me I’m so funny. Don’t know her name yet but she lives down the street.
[house hunting]
Friend: *hurls spear into vinyl siding*
GOT ONE!Me: *hacking at brick siding w/ sword*
GET OVER HERE AND HELP ME!
ME: stop whining before I give you something to whine about
KID: wut? WhAt U gOnNa Do?
ME: change the wi-fi password
KID: nonononono I’m sorry
It’s all about how much devastation you can leave in your wake.
-kids
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Whatcha dooooin’?
911: Sir, are you in danger?
Me: *giggles* You’re always so worried, but I’m fine, silly
[at a party]
host: would you like a tour
me: no thanks, but hey while I have you here… which room would you describe as “off limits”
Me: I hope people will come visit my skeleton after I die
Them: OH MY GOD will you just say “cemetery”
The person in front of me paid for my coffee and I had to do the right thing, so I ordered a donut also.
Ben Affleck works at Dunkin’ Donuts in their new #SuperBowl ad.
My fashion decisions have gone from “Is it cute?” to “Is it comfy?” to “Did anybody see me wear this yesterday?”
i hate when adults say “tummy.” im an adult. it’s my STOMACH that hurts. because yet again. I had too many sweets without mothers permission
WIFE: When my sister goes on holidays, she likes to stay off the beaten track, often using lesser known roads to see the country.
ME: *barely audible* a detourist
WIFE: Get out.
I found an old set of stationary I ordered when I was 10 … will be using it for all future business correspondence
My daughter has been rewatching Moana repeatedly, and there is a rooster named HeiHei.
I told my wife, “did you know Moana originally had 3 chicken characters? Besides HeiHei they also had YuYu and I-Don’t-Like-Your-Girlfriend….”
*first date*
Him: So, I’m a youth minister.
Me: Oh, cool. *googling cast of the bible* I really like…Lucifer.
“Who Wants To Be a Millionaire?” would be a better show if the only contestants were billionaires.
Give a man a fish… and well, shit gets weird.
On Sunday
Him: Wanna go out Saturday?Me: that’s my shower day.
I can pencil you in for Friday though.Him: no thanks