“Food expiration dates are lies. It’s all about control.” My knife breaks as I cut into a plate of milk. “I’m saving this for later.”
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BREAKING: area man is calculated by height times width
[1st date, opening scene of star wars]
ME: *leans over* those are the stars
DATE: thanks
ME: but you have to wait for the wars
could a mosquito drink blood out of a cup or something or are they legally required to capri sun my legs all summer
inappropriate Care Bears be like:
Made a really scary jack-o-lantern this year.
Not to brag but, they’re going to keep my résumé on file…
How do I rate our solar system?
One star
I bet you wouldn’t stand on a running horse and jump through a flaming hoop of fire for me. Yeah, that’s smart.
Felt like I got slapped upside the head but there was nobody around, must have been my guardian angel.
[Olive Garden]
Me: *walks in*
Hostess: *hands me shovel* Bury the bodies in the back.
Me: Huh?
Hostess: When you’re here you’re family.
Honest job application:
On the whole I’ll do a perfectly adequate job. I’m quiet but not in an odd way. I won’t cause any fuss. Good at hoping people are well in emails (won’t use too many exclamation marks). Generally a good egg.
12 called me when he was out last week. i answered and he seriously goes “hi. this is seth. your son”. does he already think i have dementia? or worse..DO I AND I DON’T KNOW IT?
They say the key to a fitness routine is having a workout buddy and that’s why I surround myself with lazy people
I came home to find that my son had installed the air conditioner in his bedroom window.
I told him, “You did a good job, but it’s actually supposed to go in like this.”
I then proceeded to drop his air conditioner out of the 2nd story window.
There is no moral to this story.
I know we have a lot of problems but never forget that about 100 years ago we suddenly made most horses unemployed and someday soon they will have their revenge.
Apparently on Facebook you can “like” that someone “liked” something. I just liked the movie “Inception”, and now we wait.
Truthful Tuesday. I don’t understand string theory or open faced sandwiches.
I’m just going to say it: I don’t think Arkham Asylum has good security.
Just bought a thesaurus at the store and brought it home to find out the pages are all blank. I have no words to describe how angry I am.
[invention of Moist Towelette]
So, we’ve got a product that everyone will use, now let’s give it a name nobody wants to say
Look lady, you’ll find out why I brought a bib to our date as soon as the food gets here.
Women: Be smart. Don’t do this.
me: *responds maybe to a fb event*
wife: [from the other room] YOU’RE GOING TO OUR SON’S BIRTHDAY
Looking at his shirt, it’s hardly a surprise.
I’m not fat. I prefer to think of myself as difficult to abduct and hard to conceal.
I’ve started dating Little Red Riding Hood’s gran.
She’s an animal in bed.
any last words?
Cell Phone Manufacturers: We’re gonna release a brand new more advanced model.
Apple: We’re gonna release this shit in White. WHITE.