[onboard the titanic sinking] oh no i just ate
You Might Also Like
devastated to announce I did not win the mega millions so I will be at work on monday
Dude is texting with a flip phone, just like George Washington did
Me: WHAT DO WE WANT?!
Funeral attendees:
Me (whispering): Grandma back.
inventor of oreos: in the center is yummy cream
nabisco: and the outside?
inventor: absolute garbage
nabisco: stop i love it
turns out Xenophobia is not ‘A fear of Warrior Princesses’
I Wasn’t Paying Attention to the Zoom Until I Heard My Name Called: A Memoir
Gonna put watermelon on my pizza just to start a Twitter uproar
Please say a prayer for my former coworkers. They’re fine but they still work there
boss: WORKING HARD OR HARDLY WORKING?
me: HAHAHA[later]
cw: WORKING HARD OR HARDLY WORKING?
me: literally never talk to me gary
8 yr old: Mom, what do you want to be?
Me: Single, living in Bahamas, no kids, maybe operate a little dive shop, driv–
8: I mean for Halloween
Me: Oh, I don’t know I haven’t really thought about it
Body: We need to sleep
Brain: Do fish have any concept of rain?
Stomach: LET’S MAKE NACHOS
do you actually wanna go to grad school or are you just depressed and were trained to find (fleeting) fulfillment in academic success
*puts a picture of Roger Rabbit in a picture frame*
I did it. I framed Roger Rabbit.
i wish someone just lost their shit over me like a rooster does the sunrise.
“you are strong. you are smart,” i whisper to myself as i struggle to figure out whether to push or pull on a door
Me: Why does the neighbor always watch me while I’m gardening?
Her: He’s a paramedic.
Her: You’ve been quiet.
Him: Thank you.
Me: we should probably go to bed
Friend: or we could drink more and stay up later at the small expense of our will to live in the morning
Me: ok
People that don’t tweet for months and then show up like nothing happened…
Was it jail? I bet it was jail.
‘You have a PhD!’ I whisper encouragingly to myself as I creep, terrified, towards the spider [I don’t, but the spider doesn’t know this]
Boy becomes Jedi, gets married, turns evil, has twins, becomes Darth Vader, complicated crap, ewoks. Boom, STAR WARS. You’re welcome, girls.
Me: making cup noodle because it’s ready to eat in 3 minutes
Also me: waiting an hour for it to cool down.
Every restaurant that opens around my town is like “come on by for amazing food, our hours are Wednesday to Thursday, 1pm-3pm, can’t wait to see you!”
If you see a guy faceplant into an automatic door, come up and say hi
*brings a full menstrual cup to a bank robbery
The trick to taking your toddler to a movie is making sure there is another toddler in the theatre who is behaving worse.
[at deli]
me: I’ll take a platonic male friend that doesn’t treat me like their manic pixie therapistlady: we have cole slaw
me: ok
I get it, rotisserie chicken.
I hate it when people stare at me too
“I need to buy a book for school before tomorrow.”
~ Kids, at 10pm Sunday night
4th Wiseman: I’ll just get him a gift card.