i just hope my kid isn’t the kid that makes a teachers day by being absent
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Face down, ass up, that’s the way I like to… get the stupid cat toys out from underneath all of my furniture.
ME: How was the date?
FRIEND: Uncomfortable. She mentioned that her last boyfriend died repeatedly.
ME: So he’s like a Highlander or something?
The longest 30 seconds of your life happen when you shut the router off to reset the WiFi
Vampire: can I take you out to dinner?
Girl: am I the dinner?
Vampire: (sweating) ha ha no
my wife: we have to wear what we died in for eternity!?
st. peter: that’s right
me: [from the back end of our horse costume] what’d he say
I heard time is money, so I quit my job. Now I have lots of time!
Me: I am so mad that people show so little respect to-
Him: yeah yeah women I know relax I respect women
Me: *was going to say Hufflepuffs* women, right
#TexasFreeze
Dear Texas:
Best advice I’ve seen… and
Good luck, stay warm & STAY HOME if you can!
[ alone in a dark cemetery ]
me: marco
Let’s just wait until Kevin McCallister is like 80 and make Nursing Home Alone
Sometimes, I just want to be taken seriously. And sometimes, I just want to be taken, seriously.
Trying to eat the recommended eight cups of chicken burrito bowl a day. I’ve already noticed my sleep is better, less aches and pains etc.
Boss: what should we call the lower cabinet in the corner that swivels?
Bonnie (who hates Susan): I have an idea.
Me: Are those fries seasoned?
Waiter: They’ve seen a few things.
Told my doctor I would lose 10 pounds in three months. That was three months ago and now I have 18 hours to lose 9¾ pounds.
Not interested in your mayonnaise-based holidays
John Wick: contract killer
John Wink: lady killer 😉
boss: *walks up to find me staring at my computer, typing away*, I see you’re thinking hard about the new budget problem
me: *googling who would win in a fight between a pizza and a cheeseburger*, oh yeah, totally
Officer pulled me over & asked if I knew what the speed limit was, like I’m getting paid to tell him his job.
angel: why did you change the name to ’skunk’?
God: I thought ’stinky cat’ gave away the surprise
I suppose I should be thankful that I’m a single adult. Life would be much more complicated if I were multiple adults.
Me (texting): Help I’m in the closet hiding from the murderer
Murderer: Probably shouldn’t use voice to text
still bigger than my 1st New York apartment
inventor of the bow and arrow:
I will now demonstrate my exciting new technique for pointing at someone who is very very far away-OH NO
Husband: No stubble? Did you finally shave your legs?
Me: No. I grew it out so you’d stop complaining about the stubble.
Spend $200 on cat toys
Cats: OMFG A Q-TIP
Wife: can you please stop referring to our entire marriage as your “awkward phase”
Remember kids — it may be illegal to text and drive; but you can still lawfully handwrite someone a heartfelt letter at 50mph.
Wait a minute—if the cat’s in the cradle, then where—
*baby in kitchen, pushing glasses off table while maintaining eye contact
It isn’t until your kids start talking back that you realize dogs would’ve been a better option.