I have also decided to not buy Twitter.
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Thanks to Fitbit, all my anxious pacing can be passed off as exercise.
Brother: Did you know a remote is 20 times dirtier than a toilet seat?
Me *licking remote*
I don’t drip caramel sauce on toilet seats.
“Hey, watch your mouth!” I yell at the woman in this park that’s just letting her pet mouth run around all willy nilly.
At this point I’m sure I’ll meet an alien or zombies before I meet the love of my life!!
Coworker: Oh wow are you sick?
Me: No, Greg, I’m just ugly.
Lost my pet unicorn.
If you find it, please share your drugs.
My family doesn’t have a swear jar, but we do have a totes perf jar. If you say totes or perf, we throw a jar at you
Me: *sipping* well ain’t you a tall glass of vodka
Her: *blushing* aww thank you but the expression is “tall glass of water”
Me: oh hey, didn’t see you there
Me: *nods in agreement
Narrator: in reality Mike had no clue what she was talking about
Best thing about drinking in downtown LA is that if u need a bathroom, it’s all around you
“Oh, my, god. Becky, look at her butt!”
“DOCTOR PLEASE SHE IS CODING! NOW IS NOT THE TIME!”
Operator: 911, what’s your emergency?
Me: Yeah, so I’ve heard of leaving your kid at the fire station, do they do pickup as well?
[inside a tornado]
Dad: wind’s really pickin up
My 8yo daughter said people are hoarding toilet paper so they can hug it and use it as a stress reliever, and my 6yo son said that it’s more likely they’re all making forts out of toilet paper to protect them from COVID-19. Idk… forts, probably.
Seriously, if I were a manager at Burger King, my answer to every complaint would be, “You’re at Burger King.”
Forty-three-year-old bodies be like you didn’t workout yesterday and now you’ve gained 35 pounds.
That “Barbie” movie is so popular they should make some merch for it. Maybe an actual doll or something.
I don’t get the concept of Beach House Hunters. You don’t have to hunt a house. Especially on the beach. It has nowhere to hide
Hey Amish person reading this: Busted.
*gives joke answer to daughter’s 75th consecutive question*
[20 years later, she’s in an office] “Everyone knows the moon was built in 1973”
Cashier: Gimme shake
Customer: *offers paw*
Cashier: Good…here’s your order!
-McDogald’s
When we were dating my wife never once tried to take any of my hoodies. I have 3 teenage daughters and my hoodies are nowhere to be found.
I never saw it coming. Well played ladies.
If Titanic happened now Rose would ask Jack to film her like one of his onlyfans girls
going around my neighborhood with my Easter basket to collect eggs but most people have been downright rude about it and what eggs they do give me aren’t even dyed
Giving people the finger while driving just isn’t effective. Which is why I had the catapult installed.
A required corporate training course said to build strong relationships.
Also, HR told me it’s “inappropriate” to kiss strangers.
My Obgyn suggested I cut carbs to maintain a healthier pregnancy weight.
Frankly, I’d rather cut the Obgyn.
[Car breaks down]
Me:*inspecting engine*
Date: is everything ok?
Me: *nervously searching 100 now empty hamster wheels* haha..y-yep
[walking quickly past the old lady I just held the door open for] this doesn’t mean you can order before me
the coolest name by far is wolfgang. just a gang of wolves. not even a pack. these wolves do crimes