Be a firefighter they said,
Rescue kittens & throw them into fire they said,
Youre misinformed they said,
We’re calling the police they said
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I noticed that you’re still staring at me after I already answered your question, what can we do to stop this
Diets are like religions. The moment I find out that thing I like isn’t allowed, I’m out.
[when i was a kid]
DAD: remember, if a girl is mean to you, that means she likes you
[today]
MY BOSS: you screwed everything up this week you idiot
ME: sorry, i’m not really looking for a relationship right now
HER: do you own any firearms
ME [trying to impress]: no but I have some hot legs
Friend: She really likes you.
Me: Oh yeah?
Friend: She thinks you hung the moon.
Me: *who has been plotting for years to strangle the moon* Not yet.
My online therapist says you can’t live your life in fear….He also sells shampoo.
HAD LOTS OF ESPRESSO. TWEETING FROM THE MOON. I LIVE HERE NOW. IT IS NOT MADE OUT OF CHEESE.
1 OUT OF 5 STARS: NOT RECOMMENDED
There is no casual way to ask someone to move in with you. It’s a very big step in any relationship. It takes careful planning & excellent timing to figure out how to approach that conversation. That said, it’s not impossible to lure a raccoon into your home. In this essay,
*lights low
*her fingers tracing a scar on my arm
Her: How’d you get this?
Me: *softly I whisper* Are you familiar with Scrapbooking?
“So, which burner is your favorite? Mine is usually the back left.” -Me, trying to make friends in my 30’s
My villain power is instantly answering insults with vicious burns like:
“I’m going to throw something at you that will stick in your face forever”
“Make like Job and suffer endlessly” &
“Nice shoes. Did you make ’em?”
As soon as I finish building this trebuchet, I, too, shall be a flight risk
My neighbor’s wife put him on a diet so I’m slingshotting pretzel balls over the fence like a true bro
I was told my $750 iPhone would improve the quality of my phone calls, but my family keeps calling telling me the same shit.
“Mum I think I’m pregnant. ”
“Are you drunk?”
“How do you know?”
“A mother knows everything, Kevin.”
#MothersDay
Did you know if you send a fancy iPhone emoticon to a non-iPhone user, it just shows up as a middle finger?
I don’t hate anyone. I just don’t like people.
ME: I hit my neighbors car.
CAT: I killed my last 4 owners.
ME: YOU CAN TALK!
CAT: …
ME: Wait, what did you just say?
CAT: *blinks*
Free will is good, but free pizza is better.
I have a very defined ab.
That’s not a typo, I only have a single ab
Just told everybody in the bar to shut the hell up so my date could hear the full effect of my velcro wallet opening.
My master plan is to forget sunglasses at every location in the world so wherever I am I’ll always have sunglasses.
My 42 yr old friend is dating a 24 yo guy, she caught him cheating so she took away his play station for a week
“I’m shaving off the beard tomorrow” I loudly announce so that anything living in there has time to evacuate
ENGLAND: people are CROSSING OUR BORDERS for ECONOMIC ADVANCEMENT!!!
THE ENTIRE GODDAMNED WORLD FROM LIKE 1583 to 1997: u don’t say
Active Yeast: Let’s make that bread fam
Inactive Yeast: Let’s stay in bed man
Me: My Amazon order arrived!
Him: What did you get?
Me: *scratches behind dragon’s ears* Nothing important.
Him: New happy pills?
Me: Maybe.
If my neighbors would just talk a little louder I could follow along with their conversation, but no. Rude.
A guy asked me out!
Well, a guy asked me if I was going to be the same place he is.FINE, my boss called to see if I was coming to work.
Everyone’s an atheist until they’re making a phone call & praying it goes to voicemail