My wife is playing hard to get.
Rid of.
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Don’t mistake my kindness, or my inability to do one (1) pull-up, for weakness.
Keep your friends close and that one chick with a great beachfront condo closer.
[campfire]
Me: (flashlight to face) “af” didn’t exist.
Millennials: (gasp)
Me: We had to use “adverbs.”
(one faints)
HER: NNNNNNNN
ME: [gently rolling her onto her side]
HER: ZZZZZZZZ
Friend: Okay dating is really easy. You just have to act super natural
*later on date*
Me: *napkin on head* ooOOOooOo
*holds pen ready*
“How many zeros in one million?”
“Six”
“Ok, thanks”
*writes milli000000n*
wife: Can’t we just buy a bigger catflap?
me: [buttering the cat] We’re not made of money, Karen
(Date)
“What’s wrong?”
Oh nothing I’m just a nervous hummer
“Aw how cute!!”
*perfectly hums the entire Jurassic Park theme at full volume*
You’re either part of the problem or the entire problem.
Pardon me while I slip into something a little more… unconscious.
just watched a documentary about a guy who pushed himself 3,100 miles across the united states in a wheelchair because my remote is on the other end of the couch
Given the amount of clowns around here you’d think it would be more entertaining
*drunkenly sliding down telephone pole wearing oven mitts*
Cop: Sir? May I ask you what you’re doing?
I’m a sexy fireman, rawr.
People who say “in and of itself” are responsible for most of the trouble in the world.
If I had a dollar for every time my dad questioned my sexuality I could afford a bad ass Harley and probably some super cute riding boots
ME: Ok, that’s everything in the dishwasher
*closes dishwasher door*
*turns it on*
*turns around*TEASPOON: You’re not gonna believe this
Me: “Are you even listening to me?”
My son:
Never trust a fortune teller buying more than 1 lottery ticket.
This fake stomach ache feels like I’ll be leaving work early today to go to a bar to watch the Steelers game.
Sorry I called you an imbecile.
I should’ve realized I would have to explain to you what that means.
Nobody:
Paintball field I went to for a birthday party in 2013: Hey man I bet you’re wondering how we’re handling all this
Well, at least my kids are finding new and exciting ways to make my two college degrees meaningless.
I didn’t know imposter syndrome was contagious, but my boss also thinks I’m terrible at my job.
As my friend confessed, “My teenage daughter never even talks to me,” I struggled to conceal my jealousy.
Another way they could improve cricket is by having seven to eight golden retrievers on the pitch at all times
[first date]
Her: Are you wearing a wire?
Me: *realizing I forgot to take the hanger out of my shirt before putting it on*
kind of messed up that baby blue is a color
if your baby is blue ur doing a pretty bad job
Your 30’s mostly consist of getting excited when you find out a professional athlete is older than you.
Purgatory but it’s just my daughter trying to count to 10 but stopping at 7 and starting over