Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don’t even have a battery in my smoke detector and fire is real.
You Might Also Like
My husband would NEVER cheat on me.
He’s too lazy
Me: Did you get my RSVP to your open bar?
Friend: You mean my wedding?
Me: Yeah, sure!
If a vacuum cleaner really sucks does this mean it’s good or bad?
Saint Waddle is the patron saint of pancakes and ducks. She loved to flip the bird.
That bear was just minding its own business. You brought that granola bar into the situation. Should have brought enough to share.
Me: *thinking I hear someone breaking in* MY BOYFRIEND’S HERE & I HAVE A GUN
Thief:
Me: THATS RIGHT, BOYFRIEND
Thief:
Me:
Thief:
Me: OK WE’RE TAKING A BREAK BECAUSE HE’S TRYING TO REASSESS HIS EMOTIONAL PRIORITIES BUT I DO HAVE A GUN
Thief:
Me:
Thief:
Me: OK IT’S A BOOMERANG
I’ve never gotten off the elevator at a hotel and walked in the right direction.
[First Date]
Me: haha so yeah I just try to stay young at heartMy date, joking: lol isn’t that just another way of saying immature?
Me: *throwing spaghetti and Barbies at his head* NO IT DOESN’T SHUT UUUUUUUUUP
As your goth coworker, I will change all “Out of order” signs to “Haunted” signs. Sorry, you can’t use that printer- it’s haunted.
sphinx: answer my riddle correctly or die
me: 27
sphinx: but i haven’t asked the question…
me: [laying my head under her paw] we gonna do this or what?
Prosecutor: I object
Me: No, you a person
Judge: On what grounds?
Me: The courthouse grounds
Judge: I’m ordering you-
Me: Hi Ordering You, I’m Dad
Judge: Bailiff, take him out
Me: That’s flattering but I’m married lol
My waxer keeps mumbling about finding Big Foot. Probably just means he finds me mysterious, right?
Yoou can lead a horse to water but you need a seahorse to continue your journey
My liver’s so black, it went to a respected college, got a great job, and made it’s family very proud.
Weren’t expecting that, huh?
Racist.
scary then: a phone call came from inside the house
scary now: a phone call
*pours a bucket of water into the ocean*
You’re free now
Twitter basically:
Person: “These socks are itchy.”
Other people:
“That’s not true. I have socks that aren’t itchy.”
“You shouldn’t generalize about socks.”
“Some people need itchy socks. Stop crapping on them.”
“First-world foot problems.”
“The real problem is shoes.”
Can I get a refund on my kid? This one smiles and makes direct eye contact while she does exactly what I told her NOT to do.
I’m pretty sure 2020 came fresh from the Pet Sematary
My dentist said my teeth were stained and asked if I smoke or drink coffee? I said, “I drink it.”
ah, mercury’s going retrograde, that explains why i accidentally squandered my entire youth
There are two types of people in this world.
1. People who have a favourite brand of water.
2. People I don’t want to kill.
It’s actually a little-known fact: Jesus drives a Honda Accord.
just when my neighbors think they know me, I sprint across their yard pushing a wheelbarrow full of hair
Cashier: That’ll be $29.95 sweetheart
Me: Here you are, pumpkin face
Cashier:
Me: oh, I’m sorry, were we not giving eachother cute nicknames?
Let’s hear it for the staff in this branch of Maplin, still able to crack funnies ahead of their store’s impending closure …
Me: Have you seen my bedroom trash bin?
Teen: The small one?
Me: Yes.
Teen: Made of wicker?
Me: Yes!
Teen: Dark?
Me: Yes!!
Teen: No.
My daughter had two Barbies arguing and now one of them is getting a haircut, so I think we all know who won that argument.
What do you call clean German cabbage?
Shower-kraut.
#CabbageDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
I was lifeguarding and a little boy threw his ball out of the water and his mom goes “maybe if you ask the pretty lifeguard she will grab the ball for you!” This kid looked me dead in the eye and goes “…..where’s the pretty one?” KIDS ARE RUTHLESS LMAO