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My dad lied a lot. I was 17 before I realized the ‘Silver Table Cat’ wasn’t a real species, and that we didn’t own a pet, we owned a toaster
me: a beloved member of my family died
college professor: show me the body or take the quiz
Battle of the bird feeder
Husband – 3
Squirrels – 85,678
My life these days is basically the “before” segment of an infomercial for a revolutionary new mop.
gf: that guy hit on me, show him who’s boss
me: *whispering to guy* she is
One of life’s great pleasures is to watch two idiots agree on something and then hear one of them say “Great minds think alike”.
“Excuse me, but the sign says ‘No shirt, no shoes, no service.’ It doesn’t say a goddamn thing about no pants.”
– Me, drunk at Target
*Bursts into bank*
Robber: THIS IS A ROBBERY. HANDS UP. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Bank clerk: No that’s clearly a shotgun
2nd robber: OOOH SNAP!
I had a dream where my crush complimented my face and I said “thanks I’ve been working on it my whole life” so yes I’m truly like this all the time even while I sleep
When there’s food around, our cat is like an adorable, fluffy shark circling round.
At Walmart checkout other day:Cashier: “you have a dog?” Scanning dog food.Hubz: No, our kid needs the protein.
TENNIS BOYFRIEND: You deserve love
TENNIS GIRLFRIEND: That’s so mean
There should be a true crime story about feeding someone a peanut butter sandwich and giving them nothing to drink.
My bank called me as it received an alert for unusual activity. I was buying fruit.
Don’t you even dare to come near! You won’t like it if I’m forced to release my emotional support bag of onions
Me: when is your birthday
Her: March 1st
Me: *walking around the room* when is your birthday?
Sometimes I want to be really rich but I also know I’d buy a beluga whale as a pet and get in the bad habit of hiring hit men too often so maybe it’s better.
JERRY SEINFELD: so what’s the *deal* with airplane food
ME (whispering to my date): it’s actually called “jetfuel”
All I’m saying is a hunk of burning love doesn’t sound safe.
Me: You know, in the 70s everyone wanted shag carpet, but now all they seem to want is smooth wood or tile floors.
My Brother: You’re not talking about flooring, are you.
Me: Nope.
Schrödinger’s cookie
Some things in life are inevitable. Birth. Death. My husband storing everything he owns in a massive pile next to his side of the bed.
You mean the stick figures on the back of your vehicle is not your kill count?
*slowly scrapes mine off*
*secretly fills your birthday piñata with hornets*
Sometimes I don’t delete negative instagram comments. I wait until they tally up some likes. Then I go see who liked the negative comment and block them. That way the person who left the negative comment did a service for me. They worked for me for free.
Just when you think your marriage is going smoothly your husband eats the last piece of cake.
I learned my first lesson at ninja school today: Do not wear corduroy pants.
I get it, drug commercials. I too like to dance while I describe all my side effects
Sports bra is so tight my cleavage starts at my chin
Ok so the rule is if it’s a vowel sound use ‘an’ and if it’s a consonant sound use “a”. Give it a try.
This is an useful exercise.
-Oh uh not that one.We’ve been doing this for over a hour.
-Not that either.Please don’t give me a F
-Nerp.Can I still get a MBA?
-Noop.