I accidentally confused Star Trek with Star Wars and some kid threatened to cut me with his Virgin card.
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Just dropped ranch dressing on my phone then licked it off. So some of you just got to first base with me.
I was led to believe there’d be secret missions, stamps in my passport and fancy galas.
Worst part of being an idiot is always forgetting it. If I was a smart person, I’d remember I was an idiot from the start and plan around it
the concept of modeling is insane to me. “buy our clothes. here, check out how they look on someone infinitely more attractive than you, you messy slob”
Time really flies when you when you’re down a man at a crime scene clean up.
My oldest played with BPA free toys that I sterilized constantly. My youngest is playing with a metal coat hanger and a AA battery.
When I get off this leash it’s over for you birches
-my dog
I’ve accepted that I’ll never know how that M+ button on a calculator works.
Adding osaur to the end of a word doesn’t make it work appropriate according to this cuntosaur reporting me to HR.
WELCOME TO THE JUNGLE
WE GOT DIRT AND TREES
WE ALSO GOT SOME LIZARDS
BUT MOSTLY DIRT AND TREES
Goodnight room
Goodnight moon
Goodnight neighbor’s Christmas lights that’ll stay up til June
Interviewer: Do you have any special skills?
[Me, attempting to remove stapled sheets of paper with a sword]: no
I just discovered that Flemish rabbits are pregnant for only one month but my jealousy went away when I found out they give birth to litters of 5-12 at a time, I guess I’ll stick to being human
I don’t get laid on Saturdays. The last two words were unnecessary.
Your smile is radiant. Close your MOUTH.
cat: *rolls over on back* pet my belly
me: no i know this is a trap
cat:
me:
cat:
me: fine *goes to pet belly*
cat: *claws & bites my hand* hahah have some scratches, as a treat you stupid idiot
VILLAIN: *Stroking cat* I’ve been expec-
BOND: OMG your kitty is so cute! Can I pet him?!
V:*Whining* Tiiim, you said this was intimidating!
My cat drank water out off my glass, so I poured it in her bowl instead of dumping it out, then she decided it was no longer good enough for her, so I dumped it out and gave her fresh water instead and OH MY GOD WHO OWNS WHO IN THIS HOUSE
I read all tweets with poor grammar and word choice in a Cookie Monster voice.
My kids wanted to bake something and now we have to move
– a parenting memoir
ME: my wife and I do this cute thing where we finish each other’s sentences
WARDEN: no
*wife hangs a “No Diving” sign above the tub like that’s going to stop me*
Days after my plane crashed, I find a phone. Thankfully, it has enough battery for me to go online & argue with strangers. I remain stranded
My favorite part of Beethoven’s 5th symphony is the rap battle 18 minutes in.
cop: the perp was found with red paint on his fingers, so i guess you could say he was caught.. *looks at camera* why is there a camera here
The fishmonger at our local market is always pretty unfriendly.
I’d describe him as a little standoffish.
How to get out of a car in front of a large crowd of people
Step 1: forget to take your seat belt off
There are certain people who assume that I’m intelligent.
These people aren’t aware that I cannot tear off perforated paper.
Random person: How are you?
Me: you too.