Baby Yoda ends up in the nativity scene ONE time and I’m no longer in charge
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Ooh. Remove card RAPIDLY, not RABIDLY. I think I owe the lady at pump 2 an apology.
[I see a cute girl reading a novel]
“Hi there. I couldn’t help but notice-”
*points at book*
“That you support the murder of trees.”
Friend: Wow, you’ve been happily married for 25 years?! What is your secret?
Me: He travels, A LOT.
Be the reason why your local woods are haunted
Saw someone from high school. She said she hadn’t seen me in years. That’s likely because I’d always seen her first.
The hubby, son and I are all working from home today, this is my goodbye tweet.
toddler: daddy do you like this book?
me: no
toddler: *snuggles in* perfect
Re-reading Wuthering Heights is a great reminder that 150 years ago, if you, say, sprained an ankle at a neighbor’s house, you just lived there for five weeks until it healed.
If it takes 13 muscles to smile and 33 to frown, how do we tell if someone’s happy and not just lazy?
I’m a 67-year-old obese male with moderate COPD and I’m pretty sure the coronaviruses are passing around pictures of me.
DOCTOR: congratulations it’s a baby-
ME: giraffe?
DOCTOR: what? No. It’s a boy. A human boy.
ME: *looks at wife* you lied to me
You ever stare at your face in the mirror for so long you don’t even recognize yourself anymore & then realize you haven’t been staring into a mirror at all but a piping hot broccoli casserole?
[1st date]
HER: I like a guy with good Southern values
ME: [trying to impress her] I was raised by penguins
[trying to impress date]
Him: I want someone who’s not afraid of a little PDA.
Me: *keys I WANT THE SEX into the side of his car*
*Hits rock bottom.
*Receives welcome basket from Twitter.
*puts powdered sugar around my nostrils and walks into blind date set up by my mom*
*opens assassination store*
*makes a killing*
Welcome to your 50s. You can now pull a muscle peeling boiled eggs.
A protected acct with 0 followers just followed me. Mom, is that you?
I can relate to Alice in Wonderland. She just keeps randomly eating and drinking with the hope that it might magically solve her problems.
I did win the cartwheel contest but the other people at the funeral seemed upset.
Exits public bathroom stall
Makes eye contact with the person next in line
Mouths: “I’m so sorry”
god: *creates human* whatcha think?
angel: nice, will it hurt itself in the dark?
god: *adds shins* now it will
Getting pretty tired of Vin Diesel hopping into the passenger seat yelling “PUNCH IT” when I am just trying to eat my lunch alone in my car
Can we all just agree that fries are really just nude poutine?
interviewer: are you a good listener
TV captioner: yes
interviewer: can you type quickly and accurately
TV captioner: oh yeah
interviewer: sorry, we can not hire you
Me: *Chivalrously places jacket on a puddle so the lady won’t step in it*
Woman whose water just broke: Please just call 911
For fun I like to text all the men in my phone, “she has your eyes, can’t wait for you to meet her” and then I sit back and wait.
“What’s your band name?”
“The Who”
“The band?”
“Not The Band, The Who”
“Please don’t make me guess who”
“Not The Guess Who. The Band is a band but we’re the band The Who”
“May I have some of your drugs?”
I told my friends I found my Lasik surgeon on Yelp and they were horrified. Or interested, I’m not sure, I can’t make out faces so well.