Hell hath no fury like a toddler who demanded to use a fork to eat his soup and can’t eat his soup
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News “Don’t go outside. The temperatures are life threatening”
Hot flash “LOL. Challenge accepted.”
[Date]
ME: I own a hawk..watch. CLARENCE TO ME
[across town hawk at dinner w/ family]
WIFE:Just dont answer it
HAWK:*sighs* We need this job
Murder Hornets have arrived in America. Not sure how they got past the wall.
On the periodic table, the elements are represented by two groups. The symbols and the atomic number.
Law and Order: Atomic Mass Unit
Me: I have a lot of work to do.
Windows Updates: you’re gonna have to wait
Go girl power!
Best spot.. 😅
“I came downstairs for a zip of juice and noticed the tv was gone so I called you guys”
[cop stops writing] did you say zip of juice?
Most computer problems stem from the lack of a fatherboard.
No? Ok, I’ll show myself out.
[gas station]
me: fill her up
him: that’ll be $20
me: *taking the money* thanks
The auto parts store is like ‘get our free app’ as if I’m buying parts everyday. I only need this one thing.
Egyptians did pretty well for a civilization that wrote entirely in emoji.
Them: There’s more to you than meets the eye, isn’t there?
Me: Absolutely not.
Look, woman, I’ll do laundry when I’m out of clean clothes. *puts on skirt* I didn’t say whose clothes.
My kid just asked if ‘duct tape’ is short for ‘abduction tape’.
… we’re totally nailing this parenting thing.
This is exactly how that old gypsy lady said I was going to die.
Easter chocolate is the best chocolate. Everbunny knows that.
Stop screaming. Lots of people rub their eyes with toes.
wife and kids are threatening to remove me from the family group chat because my Android is messing it up and now I’m certain that I made the right phone choice
[in church]
“And Jesus, our saviour, died on the cross for your sins.”
[vicar points directly at me & entire congregation collectively nods]
*Makes joke on Twitter*
*5 Retweets*
*Makes same joke on Facebook*
*5 comments from aunts saying that the joke was inappropriate*
If a shark attacks you, punch him in the nose. And if that doesn’t work, use your severed arm to tickle his belly.
I wish I was as committed to anything the way infomercial actors are committed to over dramatizing their reaction to household chores.
Bonfire is French for “good fire.”
[playing with a Ouija board with my dog]
Board: B A L L
Me: I know that’s you moving it! Stop!
Board: T R E A T S
THERAPIST: what’s wrong?
WIFE: he makes us watch Gladiator every single day!
ME: ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?
Stores today are like, thanks for buying this gum, please tip us 20%, apply for our credit card, and round up to save the children. Also fill out this survey.
My life has been so screwed up when there was supposed to be a fork in the road I found a spoon.
Owen Wilson being held upside down by his ankles: MOM