It’s like my Grandma always says, “I died three years ago. This is starting to get weird.”
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I never try to make guests feel at home. If they wanted to feel at home, they should have stayed there.
At my age, you can spell Ibuprofen and Acetaminophen without googling it.
It’s all fun and games until you realize you’re the girl at work known as “how is she still employed.”
Driving along the expressway and a truck with an open tailgate just bounced a cooler into the lane ahead of me and I didn’t even panic all those years of Mario Kart finally paid off
One of my biggest talents is taking hundreds of screenshots that I swear I’ll need, but I never look at them again.
The check engine light could be more specific…is it ‘holy shit stop the car right now’ or ‘proceed with caution for the next 6000 miles’?
Maybe your jeans are distressed because you’re wearing them?
Starting another round of pottery classes. I may just be a beginner, but I’m feeling inspired. What should I make tonight?
a. A bowl
or
b. A bowl
It takes a big man to admit his mistakes. It takes a bigger man to fix them. It takes an enormous man to close down a Chinese buffet. High-5
I could finish folding this laundry much faster if the cat would stop “helping”!
cat: psst it’s 5am time to feed me
me: no go away
cat: okay *proceeds to step directly on my bladder* oops my bad
I eat something every 29 minutes just to ensure no one can ever make me go swimming.
Give me your crispy noodles and no one gets hurt.
I’m always disappointed when a bio states ‘avi not me’ especially when it’s an animal or a cartoon.
Just slung my bra off & threw it to the other side of the couch where there are already 2 other bras. If my math is right, it’s Wednesday.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a fly* bee
Before I take a shower: I hate it in there, the wet world is a bad place
While in the shower: I remember now that this is a good place, it is the dry world that is the enemy
[social gathering]
guy: wow, you work in an ER?
me: yep
guy: [whispering] so, uh, what’s the craziest thing you’ve seen in the ER?
me: [whispering back] a dermatologist with a zit
wife: didn’t i tell you?
me: yes, you did
wife: you didn’t listen
me: no, I did not
wife: what did i say?
me: you heard turtles in the walls
wife: what did you say?
me: i said you were crazy
wife: what will you do now?
me: i’ll call the turtle guy
wife: you’ll call the turtle guy
Seven years ago THIS was all we had to worry about.
Going to be the corpse found at the lowest elevation of Everest ever, like by the parking lot
Him: You seem super chill.
Me: You seem like a bad judge of character.
If I had been a Spice Girl I would’ve been Garlic Spice.
Love how Google seems to know everything I’m doing before I even think about it, but Google Maps needs me to completely type out an address before it knows I’m not looking for driving directions from the US to India.
want me to check your oil?
[first day as a soldier]
Army guy: we deploy at 04:00hrs
Me: where we going?
Army guy: to war, soldier
Me [setting alarm for 11am]: ok enjoy
OnlyAcquaintances: you pay me $5 a month so i can message you “hey lets get coffee soon!” and we never get coffee
ME REGULARLY: *uses the same 3 things at home*
ME PACKING FOR VACATION: I wonder if I’ll need 4 French horns or 5
[anxiously trying to put wrinkly dollar bills in a mitten vending machine as an avalanche approaches]