[phone]
Me: Oh wow I love your voice
Her: Thanks!
Me: And your accent is so cool, are you from the south?
Her: Good guess!
Me: Oh yeah I love it down there, the weather, the food!
Her: Me too! It’s the best!
Me: It really is
Her: Anyway what’s your emergency
Me: I’ve been stabbed
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when your ex needs to go to space about it, you won the divorce
Barber: Snip snip snip snip snip.
Me: What are you doing?
Barber: I’ve lost my scissors and I was hoping I could trick you into thinking I was cutting your hair by saying snip.
Me: I can see you in the mirror.
I thought I needed to get a divorce and start a new life in a foreign country and then I realized I was just hungry.
white people writing latinos in fics: i kissed my ten brothers and sisters goodbye and stepped out of my pueblo on the way to school. i blast gasolina in my headphones as i walk past the mariachi band. sometimes it’s hard para me to creer because i olvidar a switch languages
Oh, you pronounce pecan like “puh kahn”? I always pronounced it “pee can”. Differences in dialects can be so fascinating, right? Well, anywho, that’s what your husband choked on.
Dad: Want a donut?
Me: YES!
Dad: *punches my leg* Hurts don’t it lol.
Me: *tasers him* HERTZ DON’T IT LOL.
I wanna write a tweet that is so good that I can retire and just live off the retweets for the rest of my life.
Funny cuz it’s true! #WritingCommunity #Reading
*wipes off Chapstick
Weigh me now
how about a movie where an old man teaches a kid karate with the ulterior motive for him to one day win a car waxing contest
one bad part of this whole thing is having had to explain to my 6 year old how if the easter bunny tries to come into our house i’ll have to kill it
No one ever seems to break their legs when they drop from a portal in the sky.
My latest business venture is not-for-profit, apparently.
[In England]
Hey, you look like you could lose a few pounds
*steals your wallet*
Old friend: I barely recognize you.
“That’s the look I was going for. “
My daughter just told me she doesn’t like Cadbury eggs and oh thank god bc the 12 I bought her accidentally fell into my facehole
I don’t sit on the floor without a detailed plan on how to get back up
Three words no parent ever wants to hear when dropping their kid at a play date: “Come on in.”
“Umm, what are you doing? Can you not? Seriously, get off me!”
– The first horse ever ridden (probably)
Remember when we thought it would be fun to grow up and have jobs? LOL
Apparently you can’t make a baby by adding water to baby powder, so don’t waste your time.
-“I hear the Israeli PM isn’t too worried about that latest hack because..”
-“Please don’t”
-“…Benjamin’s Not on Yahoo”
-“I’m leaving you”
First date – I’ll have an ice water and a lettuce wedge
Tenth date – I’ll have a large pizza, extra cheese. What do you want, honey?
Me: So if I call Canada it’s billed as international?
Phone rep: Yes. Cuz Canada is a country.
Me: You should hear how ridiculous you sound.
Jurassic Park came out 30 years ago, and now I feel like the fossil.
I love a “hell yeah” moment right before it turns into a “well shit” situation.
Dad: *getting grill ready* I need some lighter fluid
Me: *ties a balloon to his drink*
Dad: *sniff* I’m so proud of you
I’d like a word with the person who started the rumor that I have a kitchen.
Listen buddy, I never said they were for sale. I just put the “FRESH EGGS” sign in my yard to brag
When I see someone at a carwash late at night, I assume they’ve just committed murder.