Ended my night saying “Stay goofy!” to a Waffle House waitress, and she replied: “You KNOW I will!”
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GARY JOHNSON: let me debate, i wanna debate, lemme lemme
MODERATOR: FINE! how will you deal with big banks
JOHNSON: like…river banks, or
When I say “seriously!” with either of the eyebrows raised, it could be a thinly disguised euphemism for wtf!!!
My daughter wrote a poem in school about where’s she’s from and she wrote I come from my siblings and I being called tiny dancers and children of the corn so I’ll just be outside waiting for cps.
Husband “I thought you were dieting?”
Me “I am”
Husband “You just ate 6 Oreos”
Me “Yes but I want to eat 12. See – Dieting”
What’s the name of the phobia for a fear of opening your mailbox because there might be a wedding invitation inside?
My friend thinks her husband is cheating on her. I don’t have the heart to tell her he’s just out chasing Pokemon.
My 10-year-old is cleaning the kitchen. One roll of paper towels later I have the world’s cleanest kitchen stool.
Never know who you’ll run into at the gas station!
On average, a person has sex 86 times a year. Apparently, this is going to be one hell of a week.
god: ..and this part is your crust
earth: i’m a pizza 🙂
god: no that’s-
earth: everybody loves pizza 😀
god: but
earth: i’ll be treated so good forever and ever :’)
god: [deep breath in] here’s the thing
Sometimes? I’m slipping
[Concert]
Singer: ARE YOU ALL ENJOYING IT?!!Everyone: YEAAAHHHHH!!!!
Me: ᶦᵗ’ˢ ᵛᵉʳʸ ˡᵒᵘᵈ
If you love someone:
1. Set them free
2. Drunk dial them
3. Read too much into their FB posts
4. Make them feel sorry for you
5. Die alone
Me: So my car made a noise and..
Mechanic: That’s gonna be expensive.. I can tell already.
[sexting]
HER: ok well i think we’re done here lol
ME: it’s bc i used ‘betwixt’ isn’t it?[typing ellipses for a solid minute]
HER: yes
grotesque if literal: baby food
Me: sorry, I can’t take strangers from candy
Giant gummy bear handing me a person: oh no
Sometimes, when I am matching socks, I think, “What if these two socks don’t even like each other?”
I could be in a store desperately looking for gauze to treat a knife wound and I’d still tell a clerk that approached me I was just browsing
Maybe it’s time for a second child. The first one isn’t getting as many likes on Facebook now.
me: *sleeping*
pimple: is it my night to emerge?
anxiety: I dunno, why don’t we both come out tonight?
me: I think my hippo might be dying
vet: sir, that’s a really really fat horse
me: BECAUSE IT ATE MY HIPPO
Please do not return empty candy wrappers to the dish. It leads to false expectations and uncontrollable rage.
14: Wanna play a game?
12: Sure!
14: Do an impression of Mom
12: Oh that’s easy
14: WITHOUT SWEARING
12: Forget it.The end.
What is wrong with me?!? Asking for a friend..
I’m not exaggerating when I say if I ever clogged a toilet at work I would immediately quit, change my name, and move to a different city
Argentina is surprisingly cold. In fact it’s bordering on Chile.
Nobody:
4-year-old: Can I call people peasants at school?
Bartender: What can I get you, gorgeous?
Me: The blood of all my enemies.
Bartender:
Me:
Bartender:
Me: Miller Light
Me: Life really can’t get worse than this, can it?
Life: LOL you’re stuck in a car wash now