Rights to name a newly discovered dinosaur will soon go up for auction. I can’t be the only one concerned about this poor thing that’s stayed hidden for millions of years getting named after a rapper.
You Might Also Like
Nobody talks about Jesus’ miracle of having 12 close friends in his 30s
*takes off hat*
“I’m afraid I have some bad news ma’am”
*puts on her hat*
“I’ve stolen your hat”
14: How do you feel about people of color?
Me: What do you mean? The same I feel about everyone.
17: But you hate everyone.
14: Wow. Just flat out being racist at the dinner table.
Me: Please shut up.
A swear jar, but you take out a piece of paper and yell whatever’s written on it.
Dropped my Ant Farm and now the rug is like the first 30-minutes of Saving Private Ryan.
A welcome mat is a gateway rug.
What type of magazine do cows read?
Cattlelogs.
While humans carry out social distancing, a group of 14 elephants broke into a village in Yunan province, looking for corn and other food. They ended up drinking 30kg of corn wine and got so drunk that they fell asleep in a nearby tea garden. 😂
Me: One day, when you’re older, I’m gonna come to your house and ask you for a snack every 5 min and beg you to take me places and buy me stuff constantly
9yo: …and I’ll say no to all of it, just like you do
ME: can i start digging?
SOCIETY: wtf no that’s grave robbing
[waits an hour]
ME: how about now?
SOCIETY: ok now it’s archaeology
Mario: hey u up?
Princess: yeah y?
M: come over 😉
P: can’t. Kidnapped 🙁
M: Where? I’ll save u
P: castle. Up stairs, next 2 flagpole
M: k
*learning CPR*
CPR dummy: I have a boyfriend.
My single friends are always talking about clubbing and being hit on. Today’s social scene sounds so violent.
I opened Facebook by mistake, it appears I’ve missed 738 birthdays because I haven’t been on for over 2 years 😳
I’m just a regular guy going for a regular jog with a regular plasma TV being chased by the regular police.
I need a man who talks as fast as Kevin Hart. I got shit to do.
My girl knows I’d never cheat on her because she would need to arrange it and remind me 37 times so I don’t forget
The only running I do is to the microwave to catch the beep before the dog hears it go off
My wife never talks about the 99 times I watched her purse and didn’t lose it.
I don’t understand interventions.
What’s the point of being told I drink too much by a room full of the reasons I drink in the first place?
The term “baby steps” is so offensive to babies. If you’re a baby, taking a step is the most impressive thing you’ve ever done.
The other day I walked past a neighbor’s house and the parrot on their porch whistled at me.
If I were a therapist, I would prescribe this to everyone with depression, every day, forever.
BRB gonna walk past my neighbor’s house
Me: I’m an expert at identifying birds.
Them: Ok, What about those ones flying over that tree?
Me: *narrows eyes and looks intently over the trees* Yes, they’re all birds.
I think being an anxiety/antisocial person would save me in most horror movie scenarios.
I don’t answer my phone or my door, I’m rarely out after 7 pm, and if I hear a weird noise, I ignore it as its none of my business.
But…I do like antiques, haunted trinkets would get me.
Wife: what do you want to do for you birthday?
Me: not answer any more questions.
I shrunk my husband’s hoodie in the dryer, so now I have to convince him that he gained 30 pounds overnight to hide my mistake.
Relationships are about compromise. I pretend she’s not watching a Gossip Girl boxset. She pretends I’m not digging her grave in the garden.
My 15 year old dishwasher finally kicked the bucket today. So my husband said, “Well at least now I know what you’re getting for Valentine’s Day.” YALL.
I act like Pacman at parties.
I walk around the room eating everything in site and avoiding everyone.