AC changed midlife crisis to kidlife crisis & now 5 is leaving me for a younger dad that drives a sports car
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We have 3 bathrooms at our new home, the master, the kid’s, and the spider bathroom, so we have 2 bathrooms.
All animals are wild animals if you give them tequila and lift up their t-shirts.
I love how Simba acts upset when Mufasa dies as if he didn’t just do a choreographed musical number called “I Just Can’t Wait To Be King”.
[lifts $1000 apple watch to my face]
Wrist computer: show me where hot dogs are.
Good cop: frisks you
Bad cop: takes his time
Moaning “Oh God” on a Sunday morning is the closest I’ll get to church
My wife’s left me for being too clingy & needy.😢
No wait, she’s back. She hadn’t left me, she was just making a cup of tea.God I missed her.
Me: Ok, who got Oreo filling on the couch?
Husband:
4:
7:
Me: Well…
7: It really could have been any of us.
4: (licks couch)
Telling our kids we were born before the Internet is going to be the new ‘I walked to school in the snow without shoes’
[to the tune of feliz navidad]
police are the cops
Them: hey wanna go to the movies later?
Me: sure what time?
Them: 8:30
Me: *laughs in over 40*
Noah: A boat?
God: Yes.
Noah: Two of every animal?
God: Yes.
Noah: I have a better idea.
God: What.
Noah: Maybe don’t kill everyone.
I have a habit of 5 starring bad movies on amazon because if I wasted 90+ minutes on that crap, I want you to suffer too.
SORRY FOR MY POOR VOLUME CONTROL REGULATION BUT THIS IS A GOOD CUDDLE
roses are red
violets are blue
the jerk store called
theyre running out of you
This bouncer’s lucky I’m with my lady and physically frightened of him or he’d be in a world of pain.
10 likes this girl so I’m going to teach him everything I know about women long story short we’re getting our bikes to ride around her house
My father in law drank four cartons of milk in less than six days, so I’ve decided we’ll need to ditch him pretty early on in the apocalypse.
don’t look at the title of Kill Bill before you watch because it’s a bit of a spoiler
Well, I don’t know how my tattoo is gonna look when I’m 60, Carol, but I know you’ll be dead by then so
Job interviewer: “It says on your résumé that you went to Cambridge University.”
Me: “Yeah, I was visiting my sister.”
My wife wouldn’t let me sling shot candy at trick or treaters tonight.
This is bullshit.
what I say: WE RIDE AT DAWN
what I mean: Let’s meet at noonish for brunch and a nature walk
chumbawumba: i get knocked down, but i get up again
jesus: ok yes
Voting was a lot more fun in the days when you got 4 snapshots for a dollar in the booth.
Two squirrels in the park were going at it on a tree trunk. And there wasn’t any sensitive content warning.
[Satan advising me on choosing the right career path] law school it is
ARUGULA is my favorite vegetable whose name sounds like a car horn from the 50’s.
I can tell Spring is almost here because I’m on the verge of wanting to kill myself but I’d also like to plant some bulbs.
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