My kids are gonna give me a god damn heart attack
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me: there’s a bloody oar in the water
friend: that’s foreboding
me: shut up gary, I know what they’re for
I was on my way to the gym and this strong gust of wind blew me into a McDonald’s and 3 Big Macs fell in my lap.
[4 hours later]
Tyler Durden: And the 351st rule of Fight Club is you absolutely CANNOT substitute baking powder with baking soda when making pancakes
*Watching opening credits -The Winter Olympics in PyeongChang 2018*
Me: “How do you pronounce that?”
Daughter: (Heavy sigh & eye-roll) “OH.LIM.PIKS”
If my cat keeps packing on the pounds, I’m going to rent him out as a weighted blanket.
Her: I wish you’d just grow up.
Me: That’s a horrible thing to wish upon someone.
A wok that cooks so fast you call it a run.
My DNA test results finally proved what I knew all along, my father was an avocado.
I only have sex with the lights off to prevent having to explain some of my tattoos.
Toe: He just banged me into his dresser. Should I give him the most intense surge of pain he’ll ever experience?
Brain: Wait 2 seconds.
Couldn’t find my credit card while in line at the market.
*panic sets in.
Then I remember…yesterday I gave it to my daughter to pick up take-out….So she still has it.
*extreme panic sets in
Scientists please just tell us when the world is gonna end so I can stop working out
ME: i don’t trust salesmen
SALESMAN: OH MY GOD LOOK OUT FOR THAT CAR
ME: oh shit where
SALESMAN: right over here isn’t she a beaut
I made fun of a guy for still having a Nokia phone. He threw it at me and knocked me unconscious.
The best part about diet and exercise plans is the research phase. Which is why I stop there
Hey. I just… haven’t felt the same since I left you. I wish we could spend all day and night together, but that’s not healthy. For either of us. I don’t know where I’m going with this but I just wanted you to know I’m thinking about you. I miss you.
– texts to my bed
Some of you people, plus the magic marker I ate earlier, make me sick.
Fortune Teller: I see a trip in your future
Me [cancelling a week-long trip to Peru]: haha nope. wrong, idiot.
[fall down stairs as I leave]
Stupid people who suddenly make a smart decision have no idea how confusing that is for the rest of us.
It’s hard to tweet and change the baby’s diaper at the same time.
I probably should have waited until I got to a red light.
Just between you and me – when I said I worked well both as an individual and as part of a team on that job application, the latter part was complete horseshit.
NOAH’S GOOGLE HISTORY
1) What is an ark?
2) How 2 build ark
3) Can god just build ark?
4) Are snakes necessary?
5) Is god real or am I high?
Him: *gets the handcuffs out*
Me: mmm, have I been naughty? *slow wink*
Cop: we’ll let the judge decide, eh?
[Romeo and Juliet as turtles]
ROMEO: Death hath sucked the honey of thy breath
JULIET: I’m just stuck on my back
R: we’re turtles, Juliet
Wife: Whatcha doing?
Me: Re-enacting Noah’s Ark.
W: How?
M: I’m gonna try to fit 2 of every animal cracker in my mouth.
W: Idiot.
M: Mmmrrf.
wicked witch: I’ll get you, my pretty, and your little dog too
john wick: *blushing* you think i’m pretty?
*In church
9: [Whispers] Why do we have to keep sitting & standing and sitting & standing…
Me: [Whispers] So we don’t fall asleep
9: oh
Pro Tip: If you are under the age of 35, don’t get married. If you are over 35, don’t get married. If you are 35, don’t get married.
My phone autocorrected “gym” to “fun” so I threw it in the trash bc it’s obviously broken.
When your surrounded by idiots, just remember, murder is illegal and sarcasm is way more satisfying.