Apparently, “over-the-counter medication” doesn’t mean climbing over the counter at the pharmacy and helping yourself.
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I keep a banana in my pocket just in case, because I’m really not glad to see anybody.
“Members of the jury, how do u find the defendant?”
“we… can’t find him at all”
“DAMMIT THIS IS THE 3RD MURDER WALDO HAS GOTTEN AWAY WITH”
Me: I have 3 small kids, so preparing a healthy breakfast can be a challenge some mornings.
Friend: You should meal prep at night to make things easier.
Me: I guess I should have mentioned that the kids live here at night, too.
こいつ天才
Do my kids help me cook? No.
But do they like what I cook? Also no.
Ok, but do they at least come when I call them to eat? *deepest, longest sigh imaginable*
We didn’t need tutors when I was a kid, we just cheated
I hate when a bag of potatoes goes bad because not only are the potatoes wasted but so are all the coins I have to put over their eyes.
My kids’ hamster escaped and I found her hiding from them in the closet so I just left her in there because honestly I get it… I get it.
doctor: drugs have destroyed your body
me: you should see the other guy
doctor: what other guy
me: only i can see him
If anything happens to me, please use my Netflix account until it stops listing recommendations “Because you watched Coneheads”
As a chemistry teacher, Walter White was dedicated to the scientific methhead.
[inside fighter jet]
I hate this cd
“change it”
how?
“press eject”
ok
[nothing funny or unexpected happens because they are trained pilots]
*addresses the elephant in the room*
*puts a stamp on the elephant in the room*
“My pen pal is gonna love this.”
[encountering even the mildest of inconveniences] and you would let this happen to me in this, the year of the King’s coronation?
Me: Do you like children?
Him: Yes, I love them.
Me: Good, because I become a huge child when I drink.
Waiter: How do you like your steak, sir?
Sir: Like winning an argument with my wife.
Waiter: Rare it is.
“It’s just a shell… it’s just a shell… it’s just a shell.”
– my foot touching anything in the ocean.
My 4-year-old has a tummyache and before she went to bed she asked how you get the egg out of your body, so that’s how I found out she’s spent her whole life thinking we get tummyeggs when we don’t feel well.
“Forgive me father, for I have pinned.”
When life gives you lemons you probably have a paper cut.
[ GUY INVENTING THE LUGE ]
[*Drunk] Hmmm… I wonder what would happen if I slide down this ice mountain on this lawn chair?!
Onion rings.
What sounds do other vegetables make?
Tomorrow’s weather forecast:
60% chance of rain, 15% chance of snow, and 0.0017% chance that none of this is real and you’re just a happy little forest gnome who nibbled on the wrong kind of mushroom.
How to make a woman scream in the bedroom: marry her and leave your clothes on the floor.
Why does Mommy always say no?
Well Son, if Mommy said yes all the time you’d have 20 more siblings.
#Friyay
I got hot wax at the car wash and now the vehicle is hairless.
When McDonalds drive thru say they ain’t got what you want but youre stuck in the line- is this the walk of mcshame?
[party]
ME: You’re out of shrimp.
HOST: That was fast. I’ll get more.
BF: Where are your manners?
ME: Under the heap of shrimp in my purse.
Don’t mess with grandma when her bodyguard is near.
Me: *looking at an antique rocking chair* I like this. What do you think? I might get it.
Son: Annnnnd now we’re haunted. Again.